FAIRFAX, VA (GB) - National Rifle Association head Wayne LaPierre told local police tonight that he shot a man attempting to enter his house through his chimney.
According to police, the incident occurred shortly after midnight, when LaPierre says he heard footsteps and the sounds of hooves on his roof. Police say he used a Bushmaster .223 with a high-capacity ammo clip.
Police sources say the suspected intruder - described as a heavy-set older white male with a large beard, a red and white track suit, and a jolly disposition - is in critical condition at Inova Fairfax Hospital. Nine large animals, described by Virginia Animal Control as caribou-like creatures with large antlers, one with a bright red nose, were also shot by LaPierre. The intruder's vehicle, a red sleigh with "NP" plates, was impounded.
LaPierre told police that he believed the man was attempting a home invasion, and that he likely had robbed other houses earlier in the night. "He was carrying a large satchel filled with merchandise," a police spokesman quoted LaPierre as saying. Police also said LaPierre reported the man was using some sort of "street slang," constantly repeating the word "Ho!" as he tried to enter the chimney.
The NRA issued a statement expressing relief that LaPierre was unharmed, and praising him for his quick action in defending his home from the intruder. "This shows why it is vital that all Americans carry arms to protect themselves and their children," the statement said. "Clearly, we need good guys with guns to protect against bad guys with guns. Or in this case, a bad guy with lots of bells."
Monday, December 24, 2012
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Satan Asks Syrians to Delay Killing Assad to Help Clear Backlog
HELL (GB) - Reeling from a sudden influx of high-profile new arrivals, Satan asked the Syrian rebels today to delay killing dictator Bashar al-Assad for a few more months so that he can clear a major processing backlog in the Inferno.
At a press availability from the Seventh Circle Press Room, the Devil promised that new arrival Moammar Qadaffi would be entered into the system as soon as possible, but admitted he and his minions were still dealing with a large number of recent al-Qaeda arrivals.
"Look," a clearly abashed Satan said, "We were totally caught off-guard by al-Awlaki, all right? We'd just finished bin Laden, which was a real pain in the you-know-what all summer because the dude just wouldn't shut up. Then al-Awlaki comes in, not to mention all the other Qaeda folks, and they're all wandering around asking for their virgins, and now they throw Qadaffi in our lap. If the Syrians do Assad now, I don't know what we're going to do."
Satan also said that Qadaffi would take longer to process because his minions weren't sure how to spell his last name. "Type it in the wrong way, and all of a sudden one of the Khardashians is down here," the Devil said. "We don't need that."
Representatives of the Syrian resistance said they would take Satan's request into account but made no promises.
The Devil would not confirm reports he sacked his Chief of Processing the Damned over the snafus, but did say he was going to ask his finance committee for additional funds to upgrade a very outdated database.
"We're still using DOS. I mean, what the H-E-double hockey sticks?" Satan said. "Man, I really could've used Steve Jobs."
At a press availability from the Seventh Circle Press Room, the Devil promised that new arrival Moammar Qadaffi would be entered into the system as soon as possible, but admitted he and his minions were still dealing with a large number of recent al-Qaeda arrivals.
"Look," a clearly abashed Satan said, "We were totally caught off-guard by al-Awlaki, all right? We'd just finished bin Laden, which was a real pain in the you-know-what all summer because the dude just wouldn't shut up. Then al-Awlaki comes in, not to mention all the other Qaeda folks, and they're all wandering around asking for their virgins, and now they throw Qadaffi in our lap. If the Syrians do Assad now, I don't know what we're going to do."
Satan also said that Qadaffi would take longer to process because his minions weren't sure how to spell his last name. "Type it in the wrong way, and all of a sudden one of the Khardashians is down here," the Devil said. "We don't need that."
Representatives of the Syrian resistance said they would take Satan's request into account but made no promises.
The Devil would not confirm reports he sacked his Chief of Processing the Damned over the snafus, but did say he was going to ask his finance committee for additional funds to upgrade a very outdated database.
"We're still using DOS. I mean, what the H-E-double hockey sticks?" Satan said. "Man, I really could've used Steve Jobs."
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Tales for the High Holy Days
The New Rabbi
A week before Rosh Hashanah, the old rabbi of Chelm became terribly ill. The village elders searched far and wide for a substitute until they learned of a rabbi from a distant village who was available.
When the Erev Rosh Hashanah service began, the new rabbi removed the Torah scrolls from the Ark and laid them on the reading table. But to his shock and dismay, when he looked at the scrolls, he could not see what was written in them. Instead all he could make out were bizarre, alien scribblings of a form he had never encountered.
The new rabbi sought out Chelm's most experienced doctor, who pronounced his eyesight to be perfect; indeed, most everything else the new rabbi set his gaze upon looked perfectly clear. Was there a problem with the Torah? he wondered.
He summoned the greatest Jewish scholars in the region to inspect this strange and mysterious scroll. But to a man they deemed it an excellent, easily readable document - a particularly beautiful specimen, in fact. They gathered to discuss: had any of them ever heard of a Torah whose passages became indecipherable to a single man? Could it be a sign from God? Perhaps the new rabbi had committed some unspeakable sin, and this was God's way of rendering judgement; Rosh Hashanah was, after all, Yom Ha'Din, the Day of Judgement.
They summoned the rabbi to the bimah. Rabbi ben Elezar, the wisest of the wise men, directed the rabbi to read the Torah.
The rabbi tried again, and again could not. His face fell in despair.
"You mean to tell me," ben Elezar boomed, "that these words are meaningless to you?"
"That is correct, Rebbe," the rabbi said, his head lowered.
"And that this Torah is but a cipher to you?" ben Elezar bellowed.
"That is correct," the rabbi said, tears welling in his eyes. "Rebbe, what is wrong with me?"
Ben Elezar shook his head. "For a rabbi to be unable to decipher the Torah is a serious matter. Especially one such as this, whose Hebrew letters are rendered so beautifully."
The new rabbi looked at ben Elezar. "Um, Hebrew?"
A Journey to God
Feivel the butcher was not a particularly pious man, although he dutifully attended shul on Rosh Hashanah. This year, the rabbi exhorted the congregation to unlock their souls during these, the Days of Awe, to allow the Adonai in. This made Feivel fearful that if he did not expand his religious horizons, he would have little chance of getting inscribed in the Book of Life by Yom Kippur.
If he were to unlock his soul to God, Feivel figured, then he would have to get much closer to Him. So early the next morning, Feivel packed up his butcher's cart, mounted his horse and rode to the top of the nearest hill. He dismounted and shouted as loud as he could, "OH MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE, HOW MAY I UNLOCK MY SOUL TO ALLOW YOU IN?"
And Feivel heard a voice that echoed across the hilltop: "Bring me the key."
Feivel was both shocked, and confused. What key was God referring to? Perhaps he needed to get closer.
So Feivel drove his horse and cart to the high hills that lay across the valley, a two-days journey from his village. The wind picked up as he ascended the hill, and his horse shook from the cold. At the top of the highest hill, Feivel dismounted and shouted as loud as he could, "OH MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE, HOW MAY I UNLOCK MY SOUL TO ALLOW YOU IN?"
And Feivel heard a voice that echoed across the hills: "Bring me the key."
Again, Feivel was confused. Where could he find this key? Yom Kippur was fast approaching. Clearly, he needed to get even closer.
So Feivel rode across the plains and the steppes, three exhausting days on unsteady paths and muddy trails, until he came to the mountains that towered over the land. He pushed his horse up the steep path, into the snow and ice. The wind whipped around them; icicles formed in his beard. Finally he reached the rocky summit, far above the clouds. Nearly frozen, he dismounted and shouted as loud as he could, "OH MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE, HOW MAY I UNLOCK MY SOUL TO ALLOW YOU IN?"
And once again, Feivel heard a voice that echoed across the mountains: "Bring me the key."
Scared and cold, Feivel called out in frustration, "KEY? WHAT KEY, GOD?"
And the voice echoed through the mountains: "'God?' This is Schlomo, your assistant. I'm locked in the cart. Bring me the key, you idiot, before I freeze to death."
A Final Request
Rabbi Schuelmann of the synagogue of Krakow, would tell his Torah students this story on the second morning of Rosh Hashanah, following the readings from the machzor:
"A poor Russian cobbler was condemned by the Tsar to death by firing squad. On the morning of his execution, the prison governor asked the poor cobbler if he had any final requests. The cobbler said he desired to eat a whitefish: 'Not just any whitefish,' the cobbler explained, 'but the finest whitefish in all the land.'
"So the prison governor sent his guard to the market to fetch a whitefish. The governor gave it to the cobbler, who took one bite and spit it out, saying 'This is the worst whitefish I've ever tasted!'
"The governor was a harsh man, but a man of his word. So he delayed the execution and sent his guards to the next town to find a better grade of whitefish. They returned the next day with a whitefish. The governor gave it to the cobbler, who took one bite and spit it out, saying 'This whitefish is worse than the last one!'
"The prison governor sent his guards to the far reaches of the province in search of an adequate whitefish. Each time, the cobbler spit it out, declaring it worse than the one before it. Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, and still no whitefish would satisfy the cobbler.
"At long last, the governor sent his guards to the northernmost fishing village in Norway, a three months' journey, to fetch an adequate whitefish. He then directed the guards to bring it to France, where, under the strict supervision of the chief rabbi of Marseilles, it was prepared. Six months later, the guards returned. Hesitantly the governor served it to the poor cobbler.
"The cobbler took a bite, and declared, 'This is the most astoundingly incredibly delicious whitefish that I have ever tasted!'
"No sooner had these words left his mouth than he choked on a fish bone and suffered the most excruciating death by asphyxiation that anyone in the prison had ever witnessed."
Upon finishing the story, Rabbi Schuelmann would ask his students to ponder the meaning of the parable. He would leave the room and, as his students debated the story, remove all the money from their satchels and go to Weinblatt's Deli for their Rosh Hashanah blue-plate special.
A Meeting on a Road
Every Yom Kippur, the congregants would traipse uphill three miles along rocky roads and through thorny thickets to reach shul, their stomachs aching with hunger and their lips bitter with thirst. This year was particularly difficult as recent rains had left the paths muddy and wet.
So one could imagine their surprise when they saw a shiny new Rolls Royce convertible cruising up the road beside them - and their rabbi in the driver's seat!
To make matters worse, there was a beautiful girl, who was most certainly not the rabbi's wife, in the seat next to him, scantily dressed. And if that were not enough, there was a plate of half-eaten pork chops on the dashboard.
Seeing the looks of dismay and disapproval on his congragabnts' faces, he stopped the car and stepped out.
"My congregants," he said. "I know this looks terrible to you. But there is a very logical explanation for all of this. I was walking to shul to begin the Kol Nidre service, when I came upon a most horrifying scene. A brutish man was mercilessly beating this poor defenseless woman in the front seat of his Rolls Royce - this very Rolls Royce. And while the Torah forbids malakha, or work, on holy days such as this, it was clear to me that this poor woman's very life was in danger. And so I set upon this beast of a man and knocked him to the ground, saving this innocent soul."
The congregants nodded. One of them asked, "But Rebbe, why did you drive his car?"
"Ah, you see, this woman was badly injured, and it was clear she needed immediate medical attention. But the nearest hospital is 10 miles away, and I am too weak from fasting to carry her. So I put her in the Rolls Royce to get her to the hospital as soon as possible."
The congregants nodded again. One of them asked, "But Rebbe, how do you explain the pork chops?"
"Ah, you see, the woman was weak and light-headed. She begged me to provide sustenance. I, of course, could offer nothing, so I set out to find a place to get food. Alas, the only merchant open was a market that sold only pork products. As difficult as it was for me to do, I had no choice but to buy these treif cutlets to give this poor young woman a chance to survive until she received medical care. Now, my friends and neighbors, I must continue on my journey to the hospital to ensure that my duty is done."
With that, the rabbi returned to the car and sped off.
The congregants continued on their trek, satisfied with the rabbi's answers and proud of his courage, none of them saying a word about the French Maid's outfit he was wearing.
A week before Rosh Hashanah, the old rabbi of Chelm became terribly ill. The village elders searched far and wide for a substitute until they learned of a rabbi from a distant village who was available.
The new rabbi sought out Chelm's most experienced doctor, who pronounced his eyesight to be perfect; indeed, most everything else the new rabbi set his gaze upon looked perfectly clear. Was there a problem with the Torah? he wondered.
He summoned the greatest Jewish scholars in the region to inspect this strange and mysterious scroll. But to a man they deemed it an excellent, easily readable document - a particularly beautiful specimen, in fact. They gathered to discuss: had any of them ever heard of a Torah whose passages became indecipherable to a single man? Could it be a sign from God? Perhaps the new rabbi had committed some unspeakable sin, and this was God's way of rendering judgement; Rosh Hashanah was, after all, Yom Ha'Din, the Day of Judgement.
They summoned the rabbi to the bimah. Rabbi ben Elezar, the wisest of the wise men, directed the rabbi to read the Torah.
The rabbi tried again, and again could not. His face fell in despair.
"You mean to tell me," ben Elezar boomed, "that these words are meaningless to you?"
"That is correct, Rebbe," the rabbi said, his head lowered.
"And that this Torah is but a cipher to you?" ben Elezar bellowed.
"That is correct," the rabbi said, tears welling in his eyes. "Rebbe, what is wrong with me?"
Ben Elezar shook his head. "For a rabbi to be unable to decipher the Torah is a serious matter. Especially one such as this, whose Hebrew letters are rendered so beautifully."
The new rabbi looked at ben Elezar. "Um, Hebrew?"
A Journey to God
Feivel the butcher was not a particularly pious man, although he dutifully attended shul on Rosh Hashanah. This year, the rabbi exhorted the congregation to unlock their souls during these, the Days of Awe, to allow the Adonai in. This made Feivel fearful that if he did not expand his religious horizons, he would have little chance of getting inscribed in the Book of Life by Yom Kippur.
If he were to unlock his soul to God, Feivel figured, then he would have to get much closer to Him. So early the next morning, Feivel packed up his butcher's cart, mounted his horse and rode to the top of the nearest hill. He dismounted and shouted as loud as he could, "OH MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE, HOW MAY I UNLOCK MY SOUL TO ALLOW YOU IN?"
And Feivel heard a voice that echoed across the hilltop: "Bring me the key."
Feivel was both shocked, and confused. What key was God referring to? Perhaps he needed to get closer.
So Feivel drove his horse and cart to the high hills that lay across the valley, a two-days journey from his village. The wind picked up as he ascended the hill, and his horse shook from the cold. At the top of the highest hill, Feivel dismounted and shouted as loud as he could, "OH MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE, HOW MAY I UNLOCK MY SOUL TO ALLOW YOU IN?"
And Feivel heard a voice that echoed across the hills: "Bring me the key."
Again, Feivel was confused. Where could he find this key? Yom Kippur was fast approaching. Clearly, he needed to get even closer.
So Feivel rode across the plains and the steppes, three exhausting days on unsteady paths and muddy trails, until he came to the mountains that towered over the land. He pushed his horse up the steep path, into the snow and ice. The wind whipped around them; icicles formed in his beard. Finally he reached the rocky summit, far above the clouds. Nearly frozen, he dismounted and shouted as loud as he could, "OH MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE, HOW MAY I UNLOCK MY SOUL TO ALLOW YOU IN?"
And once again, Feivel heard a voice that echoed across the mountains: "Bring me the key."
Scared and cold, Feivel called out in frustration, "KEY? WHAT KEY, GOD?"
And the voice echoed through the mountains: "'God?' This is Schlomo, your assistant. I'm locked in the cart. Bring me the key, you idiot, before I freeze to death."
A Final Request
Rabbi Schuelmann of the synagogue of Krakow, would tell his Torah students this story on the second morning of Rosh Hashanah, following the readings from the machzor:
"A poor Russian cobbler was condemned by the Tsar to death by firing squad. On the morning of his execution, the prison governor asked the poor cobbler if he had any final requests. The cobbler said he desired to eat a whitefish: 'Not just any whitefish,' the cobbler explained, 'but the finest whitefish in all the land.'
"So the prison governor sent his guard to the market to fetch a whitefish. The governor gave it to the cobbler, who took one bite and spit it out, saying 'This is the worst whitefish I've ever tasted!'
"The governor was a harsh man, but a man of his word. So he delayed the execution and sent his guards to the next town to find a better grade of whitefish. They returned the next day with a whitefish. The governor gave it to the cobbler, who took one bite and spit it out, saying 'This whitefish is worse than the last one!'
"The prison governor sent his guards to the far reaches of the province in search of an adequate whitefish. Each time, the cobbler spit it out, declaring it worse than the one before it. Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, and still no whitefish would satisfy the cobbler.
"At long last, the governor sent his guards to the northernmost fishing village in Norway, a three months' journey, to fetch an adequate whitefish. He then directed the guards to bring it to France, where, under the strict supervision of the chief rabbi of Marseilles, it was prepared. Six months later, the guards returned. Hesitantly the governor served it to the poor cobbler.
"The cobbler took a bite, and declared, 'This is the most astoundingly incredibly delicious whitefish that I have ever tasted!'
"No sooner had these words left his mouth than he choked on a fish bone and suffered the most excruciating death by asphyxiation that anyone in the prison had ever witnessed."
Upon finishing the story, Rabbi Schuelmann would ask his students to ponder the meaning of the parable. He would leave the room and, as his students debated the story, remove all the money from their satchels and go to Weinblatt's Deli for their Rosh Hashanah blue-plate special.
A Meeting on a Road
Every Yom Kippur, the congregants would traipse uphill three miles along rocky roads and through thorny thickets to reach shul, their stomachs aching with hunger and their lips bitter with thirst. This year was particularly difficult as recent rains had left the paths muddy and wet.
So one could imagine their surprise when they saw a shiny new Rolls Royce convertible cruising up the road beside them - and their rabbi in the driver's seat!
To make matters worse, there was a beautiful girl, who was most certainly not the rabbi's wife, in the seat next to him, scantily dressed. And if that were not enough, there was a plate of half-eaten pork chops on the dashboard.
Seeing the looks of dismay and disapproval on his congragabnts' faces, he stopped the car and stepped out.
"My congregants," he said. "I know this looks terrible to you. But there is a very logical explanation for all of this. I was walking to shul to begin the Kol Nidre service, when I came upon a most horrifying scene. A brutish man was mercilessly beating this poor defenseless woman in the front seat of his Rolls Royce - this very Rolls Royce. And while the Torah forbids malakha, or work, on holy days such as this, it was clear to me that this poor woman's very life was in danger. And so I set upon this beast of a man and knocked him to the ground, saving this innocent soul."
The congregants nodded. One of them asked, "But Rebbe, why did you drive his car?"
"Ah, you see, this woman was badly injured, and it was clear she needed immediate medical attention. But the nearest hospital is 10 miles away, and I am too weak from fasting to carry her. So I put her in the Rolls Royce to get her to the hospital as soon as possible."
The congregants nodded again. One of them asked, "But Rebbe, how do you explain the pork chops?"
"Ah, you see, the woman was weak and light-headed. She begged me to provide sustenance. I, of course, could offer nothing, so I set out to find a place to get food. Alas, the only merchant open was a market that sold only pork products. As difficult as it was for me to do, I had no choice but to buy these treif cutlets to give this poor young woman a chance to survive until she received medical care. Now, my friends and neighbors, I must continue on my journey to the hospital to ensure that my duty is done."
With that, the rabbi returned to the car and sped off.
The congregants continued on their trek, satisfied with the rabbi's answers and proud of his courage, none of them saying a word about the French Maid's outfit he was wearing.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
The Bright Side of Troy Davis
There's a lot of hand-wringing about the execution of Troy Davis, who was convicted of killing off-duty police officer Mark MacPhail in Georgia in 1989, but whose case garnered international attention because seven of the nine witnesses later recanted and there was no physical evidence. People are saying that the execution shows the moral failings of capital punishment and is a stain on the justice system of our great nation.
We at GefilteBacon could not disagree more. We believe this case shows the STRENGTH of our system. Just consider:
1. Troy Davis was at least 75 percent guilty of the murder. That's an extremely high number. If you're a major league baseball player and you get a hit 75 percent of the time, you're guaranteed to get into the Hall of Fame. Same goes for horseshoes.
2. The killing of Mark MacPhail was truly and genuinely an evil act. Someone had to pay. Why not the guy already on death row?
3. Mr. MacPhail's family has gone through terrible anguish the last 20 years. Now they have the closure of knowing that there is only a 25 percent chance that the scumbag who killed their loved one is still out there, on the loose.
4. Capital punishment is a strong deterrent. What this case tells young people is that, if you murder someone in cold blood, then you - or someone other than you - will pay the ultimate price.
5. Although opponents of the execution say it should have been delayed, remember: Troy Davis was 42. When one considers the average life expectancy of an African-American male in Georgia, any additional delays could have led to Davis' dying before he was executed. That would simply be unacceptable.
6. Look at this photo of Troy Davis. Something about him leaves little doubt he was guilty. Maybe it was the glasses. Maybe his short hair, or the mustache. Or something else about his physical appearance that would leave little doubt that he killed a man and deserved to die. Whatever it is about him, one can see why this was an open-and-shut case to the Georgia justice system.
7. Look, the system isn't perfect; we all can agree upon that. But humans make mistakes, and we have to live with that truth. Of course, in the case of Troy Davis, we mean "live with" in the purely metaphorical sense.
8. Even if the process used to execute Troy Davis was flawed, keep in mind there are thousands of other condemned inmates on death row. We will have plenty of chances to get it right the next time.
We at GefilteBacon could not disagree more. We believe this case shows the STRENGTH of our system. Just consider:
1. Troy Davis was at least 75 percent guilty of the murder. That's an extremely high number. If you're a major league baseball player and you get a hit 75 percent of the time, you're guaranteed to get into the Hall of Fame. Same goes for horseshoes.
2. The killing of Mark MacPhail was truly and genuinely an evil act. Someone had to pay. Why not the guy already on death row?
3. Mr. MacPhail's family has gone through terrible anguish the last 20 years. Now they have the closure of knowing that there is only a 25 percent chance that the scumbag who killed their loved one is still out there, on the loose.
4. Capital punishment is a strong deterrent. What this case tells young people is that, if you murder someone in cold blood, then you - or someone other than you - will pay the ultimate price.
5. Although opponents of the execution say it should have been delayed, remember: Troy Davis was 42. When one considers the average life expectancy of an African-American male in Georgia, any additional delays could have led to Davis' dying before he was executed. That would simply be unacceptable.
7. Look, the system isn't perfect; we all can agree upon that. But humans make mistakes, and we have to live with that truth. Of course, in the case of Troy Davis, we mean "live with" in the purely metaphorical sense.
8. Even if the process used to execute Troy Davis was flawed, keep in mind there are thousands of other condemned inmates on death row. We will have plenty of chances to get it right the next time.
Monday, August 8, 2011
What Else Standard & Poor's Got Wrong
Much has been made by the revalation that Standard & Poor's made a $2 trillion accounting error when it provided the government its rationale for downgrading U.S. debt from AAA to AA+.
But what is less known is that their analysis included several other noticeable errors:
- Kept referring to Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner as "Chuck"
- Repeatedly added an extra "b" to "debt."
- Comparison of the debt ceiling debate to the final battle between Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort incorrectly asserted that Hermione was romantically involved with a Quiddich bat.
- Sassy comments about Michelle Obama's thighs could be construed as somewhat extraneous
- Initial draft repeatedly referred to Standard & Poor's as the "Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger."
- Olde English font hard to read
- Cover letter inexplicably addressed to Sue from "Glee"
- Semi-erotic doodles of Ben Bernacke in the margins not whited out
- Shout out to all the Capricorns in da house felt a bit forced
- Most of the analysis of long-term currency fluctuations copied directly from Wikipedia
- Confused the gross domestic product of the United States with that of Tatooine
- Track changes edits made by Michele Bachmann not all accepted.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Standard and Poor's Downgrade: Your Questions Answered
On August 5, Standard & Poor's downgraded United States debt for the first time in the country's history, causing immediate worry about the country's financial health around the world.
But what does S&P's action really mean? Should you, the average citizen, be concerned? GefilteBacon gives you the answers.
First, what did Standard & Poor actually do?
They downgraded the rating of U.S. debt instruments, like Treasury bills, from their highest rating, AAA, to the second highest, AA+. They also indicated that the rating could be downgraded further in coming months.
Why did they do this?
They stated that it was a combination of concerns over the federal government's debt and a sense that the recently passed debt ceiling plan did not reduce annual deficits enough.
So what does it mean for me?
It could mean that some investment funds that are required to hold only AAA-rated bonds will have to sell U.S. paper, making Treasuries less valuable on international markets, and it could ultimately lead to higher interest rates. Of course, this could cause the economy to slide back into recession if lending is curtailed because of higher rates, businesses become even less willing to hire, and consumer demand for loan-based items like homes and automobiles drops even further.
Would this impact the rest of the world?
U.S. Treasuries are still the most heavily held debt instrument in the world, and the world relies quite heavily on the American economy, which is still the world's largest. Therefore, any large shift in the U.S. economy or the value of U.S. debt could rock an already fragile global economy. Furthermore, a perception that the United States' long-term fiscal outlook is negative could very well harm our global image and reduce our leverage on major international issues, from terrorism to nuclear proliferation.
And all that could happen because of Standard & Poor's decision? They must be very powerful.
Indeed they are.
Which agency of the government do they report to?
They are a private company.
A private company?
They are a division of McGraw-Hill.
McGraw-Hill? Isn't that the company that makes textbooks?
They also own some local T.V. stations.
Where did they come from?
They were founded in the late 19th Century by Henry Varnum Poor, a Maine timber magnate.
So a guy who made money cutting down trees in Maine built the company that now has the power to throw the entire global economy into chaos?
It's the American dream.
But at least they have a stellar record in rating financial institutions and activities, right?
Absolutely.
Absolutely?
Well, not absolutely. They did give consistently high ratings to Wall Street's exotic financial schemes, like subprime mortgage-backed securities, giving pension funds, mutual funds and city governments the confidence to invest in them, which of course then caused them to go belly up when the whole Ponzi scheme fell apart in 2008.
If Standard & Poor's and the other credit rating agencies had done due diligence on these schemes and rated them less favorably, is it likely that they would not have become so ubiquitous and the subsequent economic crisis might not have been as bad?
One could argue that.
And if the economic crisis hadn't been so bad, then the federal debt would be lower, too, because there'd be more tax revenue and less need for safety net programs, right?
Perhaps.
Therefore, Standard & Poor's is, in some part, responsible for the federal debt situation they are basing their downgrade on.
We don't like to assign blame.
Well, at least Standard & Poor's suffered financially from their negligence in the 2000s, right?
They made tens of millions of dollars rating these investments.
But certainly prior to that they never gave a top rating to any other dubious entity, right?
Right. Mostly right.
What do you mean, "mostly right"?
They did give top ratings to some companies that, possibly, and we stress possibly, were not as financially sound as they claimed.
Such as?
Bear Sterns. AIG. Lehman Brothers.
Are you kidding me?
And Enron.
Enron? They gave Enron a top rating? And now they are the arbiter of the global economy?
Everyone makes mistakes.
Does that mean they might have made a mistake this time, on the U.S. debt?
It's unlikely. Or likely.
Which is it, likely or unlikely?
They did make a small mistake on their analysis of U.S. debt last week.
How big a mistake?
Just an accounting error.
How much?
Two trillion dollars.
Two trillion dollars is an "accounting mistake"?
For a firm that said Enron was healthy, sure.
So who decided that Standard & Poor's should have such sway over our government and economy?
The Securities and Exchange Commission, which has designated them and a few other credit rating agencies as a "nationally recognized statistical rating organization."
And how do they decide who gets to be a "nationally recognized statistical rating organization"?
Congress passed a law in 2006 that set those criteria for the SEC.
2006. Isn't that around the same time Congress was gutting the SEC's budget, despite the fact that Wall Street was spiralling out of control with risky subprime mortgages? And after they blew it on Enron?
We're not that good with dates.
So let us get this straight. Our economy - in fact, the world's economy - is now in the hands of a for-profit company founded by a timber magnate that has not only given a top rating to every fraudulent company in the last decade, but actually exacerbated the current financial crisis it now criticizes the government for not fixing fast enough, all because it has been bestowed credibility by the very same legislators and regulators who allowed the financial crisis to grow out of control in the first place.
If you wanted to put a "spin" on it.
We are starting to have chest pains. Could you call 911 for us?
Due to budget cuts, your city has reduced emergency services to six hours a day. This is not one of those hours.
So what am I supposed to do now?
We suggest you look elewhere for reliable medical advice.
How am I supposed to find reliable medical advice when I'm having a heart attack??
Try this.
But what does S&P's action really mean? Should you, the average citizen, be concerned? GefilteBacon gives you the answers.
First, what did Standard & Poor actually do?
They downgraded the rating of U.S. debt instruments, like Treasury bills, from their highest rating, AAA, to the second highest, AA+. They also indicated that the rating could be downgraded further in coming months.
Why did they do this?
They stated that it was a combination of concerns over the federal government's debt and a sense that the recently passed debt ceiling plan did not reduce annual deficits enough.
So what does it mean for me?
It could mean that some investment funds that are required to hold only AAA-rated bonds will have to sell U.S. paper, making Treasuries less valuable on international markets, and it could ultimately lead to higher interest rates. Of course, this could cause the economy to slide back into recession if lending is curtailed because of higher rates, businesses become even less willing to hire, and consumer demand for loan-based items like homes and automobiles drops even further.
Would this impact the rest of the world?
U.S. Treasuries are still the most heavily held debt instrument in the world, and the world relies quite heavily on the American economy, which is still the world's largest. Therefore, any large shift in the U.S. economy or the value of U.S. debt could rock an already fragile global economy. Furthermore, a perception that the United States' long-term fiscal outlook is negative could very well harm our global image and reduce our leverage on major international issues, from terrorism to nuclear proliferation.
And all that could happen because of Standard & Poor's decision? They must be very powerful.
Indeed they are.
Which agency of the government do they report to?
They are a private company.
A private company?
They are a division of McGraw-Hill.
McGraw-Hill? Isn't that the company that makes textbooks?
They also own some local T.V. stations.
Where did they come from?
They were founded in the late 19th Century by Henry Varnum Poor, a Maine timber magnate.
So a guy who made money cutting down trees in Maine built the company that now has the power to throw the entire global economy into chaos?
It's the American dream.
But at least they have a stellar record in rating financial institutions and activities, right?
Absolutely.
Absolutely?
Well, not absolutely. They did give consistently high ratings to Wall Street's exotic financial schemes, like subprime mortgage-backed securities, giving pension funds, mutual funds and city governments the confidence to invest in them, which of course then caused them to go belly up when the whole Ponzi scheme fell apart in 2008.
If Standard & Poor's and the other credit rating agencies had done due diligence on these schemes and rated them less favorably, is it likely that they would not have become so ubiquitous and the subsequent economic crisis might not have been as bad?
One could argue that.
And if the economic crisis hadn't been so bad, then the federal debt would be lower, too, because there'd be more tax revenue and less need for safety net programs, right?
Perhaps.
Therefore, Standard & Poor's is, in some part, responsible for the federal debt situation they are basing their downgrade on.
We don't like to assign blame.
Well, at least Standard & Poor's suffered financially from their negligence in the 2000s, right?
They made tens of millions of dollars rating these investments.
But certainly prior to that they never gave a top rating to any other dubious entity, right?
Right. Mostly right.
What do you mean, "mostly right"?
They did give top ratings to some companies that, possibly, and we stress possibly, were not as financially sound as they claimed.
Such as?
Bear Sterns. AIG. Lehman Brothers.
Are you kidding me?
And Enron.
Enron? They gave Enron a top rating? And now they are the arbiter of the global economy?
Everyone makes mistakes.
Does that mean they might have made a mistake this time, on the U.S. debt?
It's unlikely. Or likely.
Which is it, likely or unlikely?
They did make a small mistake on their analysis of U.S. debt last week.
How big a mistake?
Just an accounting error.
How much?
Two trillion dollars.
Two trillion dollars is an "accounting mistake"?
For a firm that said Enron was healthy, sure.
So who decided that Standard & Poor's should have such sway over our government and economy?
The Securities and Exchange Commission, which has designated them and a few other credit rating agencies as a "nationally recognized statistical rating organization."
And how do they decide who gets to be a "nationally recognized statistical rating organization"?
Congress passed a law in 2006 that set those criteria for the SEC.
2006. Isn't that around the same time Congress was gutting the SEC's budget, despite the fact that Wall Street was spiralling out of control with risky subprime mortgages? And after they blew it on Enron?
We're not that good with dates.
So let us get this straight. Our economy - in fact, the world's economy - is now in the hands of a for-profit company founded by a timber magnate that has not only given a top rating to every fraudulent company in the last decade, but actually exacerbated the current financial crisis it now criticizes the government for not fixing fast enough, all because it has been bestowed credibility by the very same legislators and regulators who allowed the financial crisis to grow out of control in the first place.
If you wanted to put a "spin" on it.
We are starting to have chest pains. Could you call 911 for us?
Due to budget cuts, your city has reduced emergency services to six hours a day. This is not one of those hours.
So what am I supposed to do now?
We suggest you look elewhere for reliable medical advice.
How am I supposed to find reliable medical advice when I'm having a heart attack??
Try this.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Obama Agrees to Do Daughters' Homework in Exchange for Their Not Kicking Him in His Testicles
WASHINGTON (GB) - President Obama announced tonight he had reached an agreement with daughters Sasha and Malia to do their homework for them all next year, hours before they planned to start kicking him repeatedly in the crotch.
"There was some tough bargaining," the clearly relieved President said from the Rose Garden. "Nobody got everything they wanted. But in the end, all sides compromised to reach a solution that will protect my most precious assets."
The announcement caps six months of feverish wrangling that began in January when Obama's girls announced they would commence mashing his potatoes on August 5. Initially, Obama said he wanted them to not attack his 'nads without any strings attached. But the girls quickly made it clear that the President would have to give up something in order to protect his golden cubes.
Obama had laid out a plan whereby he would finish the girls' homework for the 2011-2012 school year to avoid the nut-cracking, but demanded that the girls also help to clear the dinner dishes once a month. In the end, though, Obama dropped the dish clearing demand as the scrotum-whacking deadline approached and it became clear the girls would not compromise.
The final agreement creates a super-commission comprised of six of the President's friends and six of his daughters' friends, which will provide recommendations for further homework-completing by the President until the girls reach college.
"Both sides gave a little," said Vice President Joe Biden, who was instrumental in brokering the deal with Bo, the First Dog, who represented the girls. "We agreed that the President would write their papers, finish their math equations and build dioramas. In exchange, the girls agreed not to play penalty kicks with Barack's ballsack."
A spokesperson for the girls said that they were disappointed that the final deal worked out between Biden and the dog would prevent them from bashing daddy's teabags and did not require the President to also perform all household chores until the girls reached the age of 21. But they added that they expected to find other ways to put Obama's man-purse in a state of constant siege.
Following the press conference, the President was overheard asking Chief of Staff Bill Daley where he could find a shoebox, pipe cleaners and a tube of Elmer's glue.
 |
| Obama announces deal to avoid having his daughters assault his crown jewels. |
The announcement caps six months of feverish wrangling that began in January when Obama's girls announced they would commence mashing his potatoes on August 5. Initially, Obama said he wanted them to not attack his 'nads without any strings attached. But the girls quickly made it clear that the President would have to give up something in order to protect his golden cubes.
Obama had laid out a plan whereby he would finish the girls' homework for the 2011-2012 school year to avoid the nut-cracking, but demanded that the girls also help to clear the dinner dishes once a month. In the end, though, Obama dropped the dish clearing demand as the scrotum-whacking deadline approached and it became clear the girls would not compromise.
The final agreement creates a super-commission comprised of six of the President's friends and six of his daughters' friends, which will provide recommendations for further homework-completing by the President until the girls reach college.
"Both sides gave a little," said Vice President Joe Biden, who was instrumental in brokering the deal with Bo, the First Dog, who represented the girls. "We agreed that the President would write their papers, finish their math equations and build dioramas. In exchange, the girls agreed not to play penalty kicks with Barack's ballsack."
A spokesperson for the girls said that they were disappointed that the final deal worked out between Biden and the dog would prevent them from bashing daddy's teabags and did not require the President to also perform all household chores until the girls reached the age of 21. But they added that they expected to find other ways to put Obama's man-purse in a state of constant siege.
Following the press conference, the President was overheard asking Chief of Staff Bill Daley where he could find a shoebox, pipe cleaners and a tube of Elmer's glue.
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