News Alert: Boehner Unveils Plan to Raise Debt Ceiling $10 at a Time

WASHINGTON (GB) - Responding to opposition to his latest plan from Tea Party Republicans, House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) announced a new proposal today to raise the debt ceiling in ten-dollar increments.

"Here's how it works," Boehner said at a Capitol Hill press conference this morning. "If President Obama sends us one billion dollars in spending cuts before midnight, we will raise the debt ceiling by ten dollars. Tomorrow, if he sends us another billion in cuts, we raise it another ten dollars, and so on."

"But here's the thing," Boehner added, looking stern. "If he fails to deliver those billion dollars in cuts to Capitol Hill by midnight, we lower the debt ceiling by a trillion dollars."

Boehner added that the plan has additional incentives for the President. "If he agrees to repeal ObamaCare, we raise the ceiling ten more dollars. Get rid of Dodd-Frank? Ten bucks. Admit he was born in Kenya? Another Hamilton for him."

"However," Boehner added, "if he so much as mentions the word 'tax,' we're lowering the ceiling by a trillion. If he says 'compromise,' that's two trillion off the top."

When asked how long it would take under the plan to lift the debt ceiling to a level that would calm the markets and reassure the credit agencies, aides to the Speaker said it should take approximately 56,894 years.

White House officials said they were reviewing the plan.

However, several Tea Party members said they will oppose the plan, mainly because it acknowledges that Barack Obama is President.

Your Call is Very Important to Us: Behind The Obama-Boehner Breakdown

As he had done often during their weeks of budget talks, President Barack Obama tried to get House Speaker John Boehner on the phone late Thursday, but never heard back. The silence continued into Friday, and White House aides began to wonder.

“I couldn’t get a phone call returned,” Obama said Friday, as if still not quite believing it himself.

-          Politico, July 23, 2011

Speaker’s office, how may I help you?

This is the President. I need to speak with John.

All right. Who may I say is calling?

Um, the President.

President… of?

The United States.

OK. Can I get your name?

My name?

Yes, please.

Barack Obama.

OK. Can you spell that?

For Pete’s- All right. B-A-R-A-C-K.

B-A-R-R-

No, one “R.”

And the last name?

O-B-A-M-A.

Got it. O-S-A-M-A.

No, O-B. “B.” As in “boy.” Or “Boehner.”

O-S-

O-B.

Got it. And what may I say this is in reference to?

You’ve got to be kidding me.

Sorry, I need that information.

The debt ceiling. Default. The budget. Look, can you just-

“Debt . . . ceiling.” OK, hold on. I will transfer you.

*Sigh*

Hum … click. Hi, you’ve reached the voice mail of Speaker of the House John

Boehner-

What the-

If you would like to leave your opinion on the Democrats’ tax-and-spend policies, press one. If you’d like to reserve a tour of the Capitol, press two. For an operator, press zero.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Hum…click. Speaker’s office, how may I help you?

This is the President of the United States. I need to speak to Boehner now.

Hold on, I’ll transfer you.

Thank you.

Hum…click. Quiznos Capitol Hill. Mmmm… toasty. How may I help you?

Oh, for the love of- Can you please transfer me to back to the Capitol?

Sure, but first may I tempt you with our new Tuscan Buffalo chicken flatbread with pepperjack cheese, only $6.95 this week-

Please transfer me back.

Hum…click. Speaker’s office.

Yes, this is the President of the United States. Barack Obama. Leader of the Free World. I need to speak with John Boehner. Right now.

Sure. Can I put you on hold?

Whatever.

“If you like pina coladas, and getting’ caught in the rain, if you’re not into yoga…”

I seriously need a cigarette.

Hum… click. Speaker Boehner’s office. Can I help you?

I need to talk to Boehner.

I’m sorry, he’s not here right now. Can I help you?

Who is this?

Timmy. I’m one of the summer interns.

Timmy, this is a matter of national urgency. Can you please get the Speaker for me?

Um… OK, I was told that he’s not available.

Where is he?

Taking a shower.

In the middle of the day?

It’s hot outside, sir.

Well please get him out, I need to speak to him.

I’m sorry, sir, but they don’t allow phones in the Members’ Dining Room.

Wait, I thought you said he was taking a shower.

He is.

In the Members’ Dining Room? Please, Timmy, can you put him on the line?

Have you tried texting him?

I did, and he won’t text me back. I also poked him on Facebook. Timmy, the country needs you to find John Boehner and put him on the phone with me.

I'm sorry, Mr. President, but we can't seem to locate him.

Can't locate him? Timmy, I'm watching him on "Fox and Friends" right now. He's standing in the Rotunda next to Steve Doocy. Please, Timmy.

OK, I’ll see what I can do. Hold on. 

Thank you.

Hum… “7 a.m., waking up in the morning. Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs…”

“Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal…”

Hum … click. Quiznos Capitol Hill. Can we make you a Peppercorn Cubano flatbread with spicy chipotle dressing today?

*Sigh* I never should’ve thrown out my Kenyan birth certificate.