HELL (GB) - Reeling from a sudden influx of high-profile new arrivals, Satan asked the Syrian rebels today to delay killing dictator Bashar al-Assad for a few more months so that he can clear a major processing backlog in the Inferno.
At a press availability from the Seventh Circle Press Room, the Devil promised that new arrival Moammar Qadaffi would be entered into the system as soon as possible, but admitted he and his minions were still dealing with a large number of recent al-Qaeda arrivals.
"Look," a clearly abashed Satan said, "We were totally caught off-guard by al-Awlaki, all right? We'd just finished bin Laden, which was a real pain in the you-know-what all summer because the dude just wouldn't shut up. Then al-Awlaki comes in, not to mention all the other Qaeda folks, and they're all wandering around asking for their virgins, and now they throw Qadaffi in our lap. If the Syrians do Assad now, I don't know what we're going to do."
Satan also said that Qadaffi would take longer to process because his minions weren't sure how to spell his last name. "Type it in the wrong way, and all of a sudden one of the Khardashians is down here," the Devil said. "We don't need that."
Representatives of the Syrian resistance said they would take Satan's request into account but made no promises.
The Devil would not confirm reports he sacked his Chief of Processing the Damned over the snafus, but did say he was going to ask his finance committee for additional funds to upgrade a very outdated database.
"We're still using DOS. I mean, what the H-E-double hockey sticks?" Satan said. "Man, I really could've used Steve Jobs."
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