Monday, August 8, 2011

What Else Standard & Poor's Got Wrong


Much has been made by the revalation that Standard & Poor's made a $2 trillion accounting error when it provided the government its rationale for downgrading U.S. debt from AAA to AA+.

But what is less known is that their analysis included several other noticeable errors:

    • Kept referring to Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner as "Chuck"
    • Repeatedly added an extra "b" to "debt."
    • Comparison of the debt ceiling debate to the final battle between Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort incorrectly asserted that Hermione was romantically involved with a Quiddich bat.
    • Sassy comments about Michelle Obama's thighs could be construed as somewhat extraneous
    • Initial draft repeatedly referred to Standard & Poor's as the "Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger."
    • Olde English font hard to read
    • Cover letter inexplicably addressed to Sue from "Glee"
    • Semi-erotic doodles of Ben Bernacke in the margins not whited out
    • Shout out to all the Capricorns in da house felt a bit forced
    • Most of the analysis of long-term currency fluctuations copied directly from Wikipedia
    • Confused the gross domestic product of the United States with that of Tatooine
    • Track changes edits made by Michele Bachmann not all accepted.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Standard and Poor's Downgrade: Your Questions Answered

On August 5, Standard & Poor's downgraded United States debt for the first time in the country's history, causing immediate worry about the country's financial health around the world.

But what does S&P's action really mean?  Should you, the average citizen, be concerned? GefilteBacon gives you the answers.


First, what did Standard & Poor actually do?
They downgraded the rating of U.S. debt instruments, like Treasury bills, from their highest rating, AAA, to the second highest, AA+. They also indicated that the rating could be downgraded further in coming months.

Why did they do this?
They stated that it was a combination of concerns over the federal government's debt and a sense that the recently passed debt ceiling plan did not reduce annual deficits enough.

So what does it mean for me?
It could mean that some investment funds that are required to hold only AAA-rated bonds will have to sell U.S. paper, making Treasuries less valuable on international markets, and it could ultimately lead to higher interest rates. Of course, this could cause the economy to slide back into recession if lending is curtailed because of higher rates, businesses become even less willing to hire, and consumer demand for loan-based items like homes and automobiles drops even further.

Would this impact the rest of the world?
U.S. Treasuries are still the most heavily held debt instrument in the world, and the world relies quite heavily on the American economy, which is still the world's largest. Therefore, any large shift in the U.S. economy or the value of U.S. debt could rock an already fragile global economy. Furthermore, a perception that the United States' long-term fiscal outlook is negative could very well harm our global image and reduce our leverage on major international issues, from terrorism to nuclear proliferation.

And all that could happen because of Standard & Poor's decision? They must be very powerful.
Indeed they are.

Which agency of the government do they report to?
They are a private company.

A private company?
They are a division of McGraw-Hill.

McGraw-Hill? Isn't that the company that makes textbooks?
They also own some local T.V. stations.

Where did they come from?
They were founded in the late 19th Century by Henry Varnum Poor, a Maine timber magnate.

So a guy who made money cutting down trees in Maine built the company that now has the power to throw the entire global economy into chaos?
It's the American dream.

But at least they have a stellar record in rating financial institutions and activities, right?
Absolutely.

Absolutely?
Well, not absolutely. They did give consistently high ratings to Wall Street's exotic financial schemes, like subprime mortgage-backed securities, giving pension funds, mutual funds and city governments the confidence to invest in them, which of course then caused them to go belly up when the whole Ponzi scheme fell apart in 2008.

If Standard & Poor's and the other credit rating agencies had done due diligence on these schemes and rated them less favorably, is it likely that they would not have become so ubiquitous and the subsequent economic crisis might not have been as bad?
One could argue that.

And if the economic crisis hadn't been so bad, then the federal debt would be lower, too, because there'd be more tax revenue and less need for safety net programs, right?
Perhaps.

Therefore, Standard & Poor's is, in some part, responsible for the federal debt situation they are basing their downgrade on.
We don't like to assign blame.

Well, at least Standard & Poor's suffered financially from their negligence in the 2000s, right?
They made tens of millions of dollars rating these investments.

But certainly prior to that they never gave a top rating to any other dubious entity, right?
Right. Mostly right.

What do you mean, "mostly right"?
They did give top ratings to some companies that, possibly, and we stress possibly, were not as financially sound as they claimed.

Such as?
Bear Sterns. AIG. Lehman Brothers.

Are you kidding me?
And Enron.

Enron? They gave Enron a top rating? And now they are the arbiter of the global economy?
Everyone makes mistakes.

Does that mean they might have made a mistake this time, on the U.S. debt?
It's unlikely. Or likely.

Which is it, likely or unlikely?
They did make a small mistake on their analysis of U.S. debt last week.

How big a mistake?
Just an accounting error.

How much?
Two trillion dollars.

Two trillion dollars is an "accounting mistake"?
For a firm that said Enron was healthy, sure.

So who decided that Standard & Poor's should have such sway over our government and economy?
The Securities and Exchange Commission, which has designated them and a few other credit rating agencies as a "nationally recognized statistical rating organization."

And how do they decide who gets to be a "nationally recognized statistical rating organization"?
Congress passed a law in 2006 that set those criteria for the SEC.

2006. Isn't that around the same time Congress was gutting the SEC's budget, despite the fact that Wall Street was spiralling out of control with risky subprime mortgages? And after they blew it on Enron?
We're not that good with dates.

So let us get this straight. Our economy - in fact, the world's economy - is now in the hands of a for-profit company founded by a timber magnate that has not only given a top rating to every fraudulent company in the last decade, but actually exacerbated the current financial crisis it now criticizes the government for not fixing fast enough, all because it has been bestowed credibility by the very same legislators and regulators who allowed the financial crisis to grow out of control in the first place.
If you wanted to put a "spin" on it.

We are starting to have chest pains. Could you call 911 for us?
Due to budget cuts, your city has reduced emergency services to six hours a day. This is not one of those hours.

So what am I supposed to do now?
We suggest you look elewhere for reliable medical advice.

How am I supposed to find reliable medical advice when I'm having a heart attack??
Try this.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Obama Agrees to Do Daughters' Homework in Exchange for Their Not Kicking Him in His Testicles

WASHINGTON (GB) - President Obama announced tonight he had reached an agreement with daughters Sasha and Malia to do their homework for them all next year, hours before they planned to start kicking him repeatedly in the crotch.

Obama announces deal
to avoid having his daughters
assault his crown jewels.
"There was some tough bargaining," the clearly relieved President said from the Rose Garden. "Nobody got everything they wanted. But in the end, all sides compromised to reach a solution that will protect my most precious assets."

The announcement caps six months of feverish wrangling that began in January when Obama's girls announced they would commence mashing his potatoes on August 5. Initially, Obama said he wanted them to not attack his 'nads without any strings attached. But the girls quickly made it clear that the President would have to give up something in order to protect his golden cubes.

Obama had laid out a plan whereby he would finish the girls' homework for the 2011-2012 school year to avoid the nut-cracking, but demanded that the girls also help to clear the dinner dishes once a month. In the end, though, Obama dropped the dish clearing demand as the scrotum-whacking deadline approached and it became clear the girls would not compromise.

The final agreement creates a super-commission comprised of six of the President's friends and six of his daughters' friends, which will provide recommendations for further homework-completing by the President until the girls reach college.

"Both sides gave a little," said Vice President Joe Biden, who was instrumental in brokering the deal with Bo, the First Dog, who represented the girls. "We agreed that the President would write their papers, finish their math equations and build dioramas. In exchange, the girls agreed not to play penalty kicks with Barack's ballsack."

A spokesperson for the girls said that they were disappointed that the final deal worked out between Biden and the dog would prevent them from bashing daddy's teabags and did not require the President to also perform all household chores until the girls reached the age of 21. But they added that they expected to find other ways to put Obama's man-purse in a state of constant siege.

Following the press conference, the President was overheard asking Chief of Staff Bill Daley where he could find a shoebox, pipe cleaners and a tube of Elmer's glue.

Monday, August 1, 2011

BREAKING: Secret Provision in Debt Deal Makes Ke$ha Secretary of Treasury

WASHINGTON (GB) - A firestorm of controversy has ignited as it was revealed that the debt ceiling plan agreed to by President Obama and Congressional Republicans includes a provision that replaces Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner with Ke$ha.


Economic experts said they were
unsure how Ke$ha would
address monetary policy
 The Dow Jones dropped 115 points on the news that Ke$ha could become the U.S. Treasury Secretary in the next few days, although shares in companies that make fishnet stockings, crotchless leather pants and glitter rose precipitously.

Nobody on Capitol Hill is taking credit for the provision, buried in page 567 of the bill. Unidentified staffers say the provision was added by a House Republican whose kids are "really into her music and wanted to see what they could get away with."

White House spokesman Jay Carney said that while the President was unaware of the provision, it would not stop him from signing the bill into law. "We all have to make tough decisions," Carney said. "And if replacing Secretary Geithner with Ke$ha is the price for avoiding default, so be it."

Outside interest groups are frantically calling on their supporters to tell Congress to oppose the deal. "We simply cannot allow Ke$ha to be put in charge of the country's finances," said Elmer Rootmeyer, president of Americans for America, which has put out an urgent appeal for its backers to flood Congress' phone lines in opposition to the plan.

However, a group of nearly 100 tweenage girls descended on the Treasury building in Washington to celebrate and show their support.

"Like, o my God I am so excited!" said 12-year old Mia Kerlamp from Cherry Hill, NJ. "This is, like, o my God, totally, o my God!"

Although spokespeople for the singer have not commented, Ke$ha did tweet from her "Get Sleazy" tour, "Reddy 2 shake up DC! Howz about Britney 4 the dollar bill????????"

Monetary experts were divided on the impact on the economy of having Ke$ha as Treasury Secretary. According to Todd Benkman of Goldman Sachs, "For us, the bottom line is, so long as we can continue making profit, we don't give a shit who is Treasury secretary."