Warning! Gay Marriage May be Harmful to Your Health

New York's recent approval of same sex marriage has caused a sizable degree of hand-wringing among backers of "traditional" marriage, who fear that America will soon become a fire-ravaged wasteland of terror and misery. Former New York Giants wide receiver David Tyree, for one, stated that if same sex marriage is allowed, the state would be plunged into "anarchy."

We at GefilteBacon take the possibility of anarchy very seriously, as we have a very low tolerance for mass chaos.

Therefore, inspired by the new warning messages the FDA is requiring for cigarettes, we wish to propose that all newly married same sex couples be required to wear one of these warning signs so that the innocent non-gay married populace of America can be appropriately educated about the risks of sharing the same land mass with Mr. and Mr. Newlyweds.

 

How to Tell if Your Congressman is in a Sex Scandal

Anthony Weiner. David Vitter. Newt Gingrich. Eliot Spitzer. Newt Gingrich.

Not a day goes by that a politician is not caught in a web of sex, lies and inadvertently sent Twitter messages. These scandals can leave their constituents feeling disoriented, dazed and downtrodden, at least until the nonstop media onslaught makes way for Lindsay Lohan.

In order to prepare the voters of America for the next sexual imbroglio, GefilteBacon helpfully offers these nine common warning signs to tell if your Congressman and his genitals are next to be featured on TMZ:

1. At town hall meetings, does your Congressman routinely state, "I am not currently involved in a sex scandal"? Blanket denials like these are a clear yellow flashing light - especially if the questioner asked about foreign aid.

2. When you see them in public, do the Congressman and his wife appear to be unhappy, or too happy? Is she sending him looks that suggest she wishes to castrate him with a jigsaw, or perhaps soak his underwear in Alpo and throw him into a pen of psychotic Chihuahuas? Naturally this can be a sign he has confessed indiscretions of Biblical proportions to her. But it is just as suspicious if they appear to be extremely lovey-dovey. If she is smiling profusely, that could mean he hasn’t told her yet. Or that he has told her and she is thinking about the divorce settlement. Or that she just had a Botox treatment. On the other hand, if they are walking side-by-side with their hands in the rear pockets of each other’s pants, that’s just plain creepy.

3. At Congressional hearings, does he question the witness about recent developments in online 3-D adult-themed role-playing games? This is a particularly crucial warning sign if the witness is the Deputy Undersecretary of Soybean Price Supports.

4. When he tweets photos of himself naked, does he appear to be in a state of arousal? If not, it may simply be an art project. Many members of Congress are supporters of the arts. You can be one, too, at www.nea.gov.

5. In the middle of the State of the Union address, does he suddenly break down weeping, wringing his hands and muttering things like, “My God. My God. What have I done?” Keep in mind this simply could be a reaction to his vote on last year’s housing appropriations bill.

6. When he is on the House floor, does he appear to be sleeping? He could be fantasizing about the object of his illicit affections. Or devising new ways to cover up his indiscretions. Or perhaps he is just overtired from a long night cavorting with three prostitutes, a water cannon, five bowls of lime Jell-O and the Deputy Undersecretary of Soybean Price Supports.

7. Does he go to the bathroom very often? Or not often enough? Or only in airports? Or never in airports? Or only in airports that have daily connecting flights to Newark? Really, any bathroom-related behavior is suspect in a public official.

8. When he visits schools, does he say things like, “You know what? I think I’ll just stand here, precisely 100 yards from the edge of the property?” Alternatively, a large beeping electronic bracelet on his ankle could be considered a red flag.

9. Does he have a penis? Studies have shown that a politician with a penis is considerably more likely to take photographs of it, use it to mix drinks, play the bongos with it, or wield it like a chairman’s gavel than a politician without one.

Flaming Moats of Flames!

We at GefilteBacon think of ourselves, first and foremost, as thought leaders. We wish to elevate the debate in this country with sound, innovative ideas that are massively ahead of the curve - or at least slightly in front of the curve, maybe 20 or 30 feet, just enough so that the curve doesn't read-end us if we stop short.

But we digress. Ideas are what we are all about. So it was with great interest when we heard that President Barack "No, Really, I Am an American" Obama (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okGm2KEKLdw) recently noted that the only way to make his opponents happy about his immigration policy was for him to build a moat filled with alligators along the Mexican border.

At first we were intruiged by the idea. Not only would it address the immigration problem, but it also would provide needed water to the parched southwest, and serve as a spillway for the Gulf of Mexico during hurricane season.

But the more we thought about it, we realized there was a major flaw in the idea. First of all, where on Earth would you get all those alligators from? You would need a massive alligator breeding program, a Manhattan Project-style effort to get alligators to procreate at unprecedented levels.

Second, as this video clearly shows (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTmH8XL8cyQ), jumping over alligators is not really that hard.

Frankly, we were a bit surprised that the President's advisors so clearly dropped the ball on this one.

But then, doing as we at GefilteBacon like to do, we tweaked the idea to come to the perfect solution: Ditch the gators, and set the moat on fire.

Think about it: all that water coming from the Gulf is chock full of oil globules left over from the BP oil spill, plus from the thousands of oil spills the media didn't report on, not to mention tons of flammable effluence from farmland, hog processing plants, Tabasco refineries, Paul Prudhomme's fry baskets and the like. One match and - BOOM! - the entire U.S.-Mexico moat goes up in flames.

Jumping over alligators might be a walk in the park. But just try to make your way through a hundred foot high wall of flaming pretroleum. And those lucky few who do manage to get through - well, can't America use a few more truly fearless, slightly singed iron men who are willing to walk through fire to sip at the trough of liberty?

So to President Obama and his advisors, I say: solve our immigration and pollution problems at once. We'll toast your foresightedness with the world's largest weenie roast in El Paso.

An Open Letter to Eric Cantor

Dear Congressman Cantor,

On behalf of all of us patriotic, hard-working billionaires, we want to commend you for standing up for us during the debt ceiling negotiations.

We know that, without your courage in walking out of the negotiations today, we might have faced devastating tax increases that would severely limit our lifestyles. We don't have to tell you how hard this recession has been on us. Many of us have had to sell our fourth, and even third, homes. A good friend of ours actually had to cancel his ski trip to Aspen. Well, technically he didn't cancel it, but he did have to get a refund for the third week. And technically he did end up spending that week in Vegas, snorting coke from the belly button of a very expensive hooker. But, he had to fly commercial. On a U.S. carrier, no less!

And yet, in this our most trying hour, some in Washington want to raise our taxes a little bit. Many of us would be forced to make horrible choices, between paying the undocumented workers who weed our gardens and paying the undocumented workers who clean our yachts. Do those fools you work with understand the humiliation we feel when we have to order the 1996 Chateau Lafitte instead of the far superior 1973? This is not the America we were taught to love at Exeter and Choate.

Thanks to you, we won't have to face such awful choices. We know some say that by walking out of negotiations, you have all but guaranteed the U.S. will default on its debt and send the country spiralling into recession and ruin. But we want you to rest easy, knowing that we will be ok, as most of us will be able to transfer our assets to the Cayman Islands and refurbiush our apartments in Paris. We Americans will get through this together! And by "we Americans," we mean those of us who have offshore accounts.

We also know that some of your opponents have called you a chickenshit for walking out of the negotiations right when the talk turned to tax increases, letting John Boehner take the fall. Fools! To them we say, "Eric Cantor is no chickenshit!"

No, sir, you are quite the opposite of a chickenshit. Indeed, you are an eagleshit, passing your way through the digestive tract of this great nation of ours, coming out the other side stronger, more powerful, pungent with the aromas of liberty and freedom!

And when all is said and done, when the history of this troubled time is written, probably in Mandarin Chinese since that will likely be the world's dominant language in 10 to 15 years, let it be said that you - you alone - stood up for the working man, the hedge fund manager, the professional baseball player, the oil company executive, the owner of the chicken processing plant who tills the fields and puts his shoulder to the grindstone and hires one of the Big Three accounting firms to get his tax liability down to zero.

And when that time comes, rest assured we, the haves and the havests, will salute you, from the decks of our yachts parked in the harbors of Monte Carlo and Geneva, where they know how to create a tax shelter. And we will salute the great United States of China- er, we mean America, where government of the people, for the people and by the people, so long as the aforementioned people are rich as shit, shall not perish from the earth.

Sincerely,
The Rich