Satan Asks Syrians to Delay Killing Assad to Help Clear Backlog

HELL (GB) - Reeling from a sudden influx of high-profile new arrivals, Satan asked the Syrian rebels today to delay killing dictator Bashar al-Assad for a few more months so that he can clear a major processing backlog in the Inferno.

At a press availability from the Seventh Circle Press Room, the Devil promised that new arrival Moammar Qadaffi would be entered into the system as soon as possible, but admitted he and his minions were still dealing with a large number of recent al-Qaeda arrivals.

"Look," a clearly abashed Satan said, "We were totally caught off-guard by al-Awlaki, all right? We'd just finished bin Laden, which was a real pain in the you-know-what all summer because the dude just wouldn't shut up. Then al-Awlaki comes in, not to mention all the other Qaeda folks, and they're all wandering around asking for their virgins, and now they throw Qadaffi in our lap. If the Syrians do Assad now, I don't know what we're going to do."

Satan also said that Qadaffi would take longer to process because his minions weren't sure how to spell his last name. "Type it in the wrong way, and all of a sudden one of the Khardashians is down here," the Devil said. "We don't need that."

Representatives of the Syrian resistance said they would take Satan's request into account but made no promises.

The Devil would not confirm reports he sacked his Chief of Processing the Damned over the snafus, but did say he was going to ask his finance committee for additional funds to upgrade a very outdated database.

"We're still using DOS. I mean, what the H-E-double hockey sticks?" Satan said. "Man, I really could've used Steve Jobs."

Tales for the High Holy Days

The New Rabbi

A week before Rosh Hashanah, the old rabbi of Chelm became terribly ill. The village elders searched far and wide for a substitute until they learned of a rabbi from a distant village who was available.

When the Erev Rosh  Hashanah service began, the new rabbi removed the Torah scrolls from the Ark and laid them on the reading table. But to his shock and dismay, when he looked at the scrolls, he could not see what was written in them. Instead all he could make out were bizarre, alien scribblings of a form he had never encountered.

The new rabbi sought out Chelm's most experienced doctor, who pronounced his eyesight to be perfect; indeed, most everything else the new rabbi set his gaze upon looked perfectly clear. Was there a problem with the Torah? he wondered.

He summoned the greatest Jewish scholars in the region to inspect this strange and mysterious scroll. But to a man they deemed it an excellent, easily readable document - a particularly beautiful specimen, in fact. They gathered to discuss: had any of them ever heard of a Torah whose passages became indecipherable to a single man? Could it be a sign from God? Perhaps the new rabbi had committed some unspeakable sin, and this was God's way of rendering judgement; Rosh Hashanah was, after all, Yom Ha'Din, the Day of Judgement.

They summoned the rabbi to the bimah. Rabbi ben Elezar, the wisest of the wise men, directed the rabbi to read the Torah.

The rabbi tried again, and again could not. His face fell in despair.

"You mean to tell me," ben Elezar boomed, "that these words are meaningless to you?"

"That is correct, Rebbe," the rabbi said, his head lowered.

"And that this Torah is but a cipher to you?" ben Elezar bellowed.

"That is correct," the rabbi said, tears welling in his eyes. "Rebbe, what is wrong with me?"

Ben Elezar shook his head. "For a rabbi to be unable to decipher the Torah is a serious matter. Especially one such as this, whose Hebrew letters are rendered so beautifully."

The new rabbi looked at ben Elezar. "Um, Hebrew?"


A Journey to God
Feivel the butcher was not a particularly pious man, although he dutifully attended shul on Rosh Hashanah. This year, the rabbi exhorted the congregation to unlock their souls during these, the Days of Awe, to allow the Adonai in. This made Feivel fearful that if he did not expand his religious horizons, he would have little chance of getting inscribed in the Book of Life by Yom Kippur.

If he were to unlock his soul to God, Feivel figured, then he would have to get much closer to Him. So early the next morning, Feivel packed up his butcher's cart, mounted his horse and rode to the top of the nearest hill. He dismounted and shouted as loud as he could, "OH MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE, HOW MAY I  UNLOCK MY SOUL TO ALLOW YOU IN?"

And Feivel heard a voice that echoed across the hilltop: "Bring me the key."

Feivel was both shocked, and confused. What key was God referring to? Perhaps he needed to get closer.

So Feivel drove his horse and cart to the high hills that lay across the valley, a two-days journey from his village. The wind picked up as he ascended the hill, and his horse shook from the cold. At the top of the highest hill, Feivel dismounted and shouted as loud as he could, "OH MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE, HOW MAY I  UNLOCK MY SOUL TO ALLOW YOU IN?"

And Feivel heard a voice that echoed across the hills: "Bring me the key."

Again, Feivel was confused. Where could he find this key? Yom Kippur was fast approaching. Clearly, he needed to get even closer.

So Feivel rode across the plains and the steppes, three exhausting days on unsteady paths and muddy trails, until he came to the mountains that towered over the land. He pushed his horse up the steep path, into the snow and ice. The wind whipped around them; icicles formed in his beard. Finally he reached the rocky summit, far above the clouds. Nearly frozen, he dismounted and shouted as loud as he could,  "OH MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE, HOW MAY I  UNLOCK MY SOUL TO ALLOW YOU IN?"

And once again, Feivel heard a voice that echoed across the mountains: "Bring me the key."

Scared and cold, Feivel called out in frustration, "KEY? WHAT KEY, GOD?"

And the voice echoed through the mountains: "'God?' This is Schlomo, your assistant. I'm locked in the cart. Bring me the key, you idiot, before I freeze to death."


A Final Request

Rabbi Schuelmann of the synagogue of Krakow, would tell his Torah students this story on the second morning of Rosh Hashanah, following the readings from the machzor:

"A poor Russian cobbler was condemned by the Tsar to death by firing squad. On the morning of his execution, the prison governor asked the poor cobbler if he had any final requests. The cobbler said he desired to eat a whitefish: 'Not just any whitefish,' the cobbler explained, 'but the finest whitefish in all the land.'

"So the prison governor sent his guard to the market to fetch a whitefish. The governor gave it to the cobbler, who took one bite and spit it out, saying 'This is the worst whitefish I've ever tasted!'

"The governor was a harsh man, but a man of his word. So he delayed the execution and sent his guards to the next town to find a better grade of whitefish. They returned the next day with a whitefish. The governor gave it to the cobbler, who took one bite and spit it out, saying 'This whitefish is worse than the last one!'

"The prison governor sent his guards to the far reaches of the province in search of an adequate whitefish. Each time, the cobbler spit it out, declaring it worse than the one before it. Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, and still no whitefish would satisfy the cobbler.

"At long last, the governor sent his guards to the northernmost fishing village in Norway, a three months' journey, to fetch an adequate whitefish. He then directed the guards to bring it to France, where, under the strict supervision of the chief rabbi of Marseilles, it was prepared. Six months later, the guards returned. Hesitantly the governor served it to the poor cobbler.

"The cobbler took a bite, and declared, 'This is the most astoundingly incredibly delicious whitefish that I have ever tasted!'

"No sooner had these words left his mouth than he choked on a fish bone and suffered the most excruciating death by asphyxiation that anyone in the prison had ever witnessed."

Upon finishing the story, Rabbi Schuelmann would ask his students to ponder the meaning of the parable. He would leave the room and, as his students debated the story, remove all the money from their satchels and go to Weinblatt's Deli for their Rosh Hashanah blue-plate special.


A Meeting on a Road

Every Yom Kippur, the congregants would traipse uphill three miles along rocky roads and through thorny thickets to reach shul, their stomachs aching with hunger and their lips bitter with thirst. This year was particularly difficult as recent rains had left the paths muddy and wet.

So one could imagine their surprise when they saw a shiny new Rolls Royce convertible cruising up the road beside them - and their rabbi in the driver's seat!

To make matters worse, there was a beautiful girl, who was most certainly not the rabbi's wife, in the seat next to him, scantily dressed. And if that were not enough, there was a plate of half-eaten pork chops on the dashboard.

Seeing the looks of dismay and disapproval on his congragabnts' faces, he stopped the car and stepped out.

"My congregants," he said. "I know this looks terrible to you. But there is a very logical explanation for all of this. I was walking to shul to begin the Kol Nidre service, when I came upon a most horrifying scene. A brutish man was mercilessly beating this poor defenseless woman in the front seat of his Rolls Royce - this very Rolls Royce. And while the Torah forbids malakha, or work, on holy days such as this, it was clear to me that this poor woman's very life was in danger. And so I set upon this beast of a man and knocked him to the ground, saving this innocent soul."

The congregants nodded. One of them asked, "But Rebbe, why did you drive his car?"

"Ah, you see, this woman was badly injured, and it was clear she needed immediate medical attention. But the nearest hospital is 10 miles away, and I am too weak from fasting to carry her. So I put her in the Rolls Royce to get her to the hospital as soon as possible."

The congregants nodded again. One of them asked, "But Rebbe, how do you explain the pork chops?"

"Ah, you see, the woman was weak and light-headed. She begged me to provide sustenance. I, of course, could offer nothing, so I set out to find a place to get food. Alas, the only merchant open was a market that sold only pork products. As difficult as it was for me to do, I had no choice but to buy these treif cutlets to give this poor young woman a chance to survive until she received medical care. Now, my friends and neighbors, I must continue on my journey to the hospital to ensure that my duty is done."

With that, the rabbi returned to the car and sped off.

The congregants continued on their trek, satisfied with the rabbi's answers and proud of his courage, none of them saying a word about the French Maid's outfit he was wearing.

The Bright Side of Troy Davis

There's a lot of hand-wringing about the execution of Troy Davis, who was convicted of killing off-duty police officer Mark MacPhail in Georgia in 1989, but whose case garnered international attention because seven of the nine witnesses later recanted and there was no physical evidence. People are saying that the execution shows the moral failings of capital punishment and is a stain on the justice system of our great nation.

We at GefilteBacon could not disagree more. We believe this case shows the STRENGTH of our system. Just consider:

1. Troy Davis was at least 75 percent guilty of the murder. That's an extremely high number. If you're a major league baseball player and you get a hit 75 percent of the time, you're guaranteed to get into the Hall of Fame. Same goes for horseshoes.

2. The killing of Mark MacPhail was truly and genuinely an evil act. Someone had to pay. Why not the guy already on death row?

3. Mr. MacPhail's family has gone through terrible anguish the last 20 years. Now they have the closure of knowing that there is only a 25 percent chance that the scumbag who killed their loved one is still out there, on the loose.

4. Capital punishment is a strong deterrent. What this case tells young people is that, if you murder someone in cold blood, then you - or someone other than you - will pay the ultimate price.

5. Although opponents of the execution say it should have been delayed, remember: Troy Davis was 42. When one considers the average life expectancy of an African-American male in Georgia, any additional delays could have led to Davis' dying before he was executed. That would simply be unacceptable.

6. Look at this photo of Troy Davis. Something about him leaves little doubt he was guilty. Maybe it was the glasses. Maybe his short hair, or the mustache. Or something else about his physical appearance that would leave little doubt that he killed a man and deserved to die. Whatever it is about him, one can see why this was an open-and-shut case to the Georgia justice system.

7. Look, the system isn't perfect; we all can agree upon that. But humans make mistakes, and we have to live with that truth. Of course, in the case of Troy Davis, we mean "live with" in the purely metaphorical sense.

8. Even if the process used to execute Troy Davis was flawed, keep in mind there are thousands of other condemned inmates on death row. We will have plenty of chances to get it right the next time.

What Else Standard & Poor's Got Wrong

Much has been made by the revalation that Standard & Poor's made a $2 trillion accounting error when it provided the government its rationale for downgrading U.S. debt from AAA to AA+.

But what is less known is that their analysis included several other noticeable errors:

• Kept referring to Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner as "Chuck"
• Repeatedly added an extra "b" to "debt."
• Comparison of the debt ceiling debate to the final battle between Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort incorrectly asserted that Hermione was romantically involved with a Quiddich bat.
• Sassy comments about Michelle Obama's thighs could be construed as somewhat extraneous
• Initial draft repeatedly referred to Standard & Poor's as the "Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger."
• Olde English font hard to read
• Cover letter inexplicably addressed to Sue from "Glee"
• Semi-erotic doodles of Ben Bernacke in the margins not whited out
• Shout out to all the Capricorns in da house felt a bit forced
• Most of the analysis of long-term currency fluctuations copied directly from Wikipedia
• Confused the gross domestic product of the United States with that of Tatooine
• Track changes edits made by Michele Bachmann not all accepted.

Also! FAQs on the Standard & Poor's downgrade 

Standard and Poor's Downgrade: Your Questions Answered

On August 5, Standard & Poor's downgraded United States debt for the first time in the country's history, causing immediate worry about the country's financial health around the world.

But what does S&P's action really mean?  Should you, the average citizen, be concerned? GefilteBacon gives you the answers.


First, what did Standard & Poor actually do?
They downgraded the rating of U.S. debt instruments, like Treasury bills, from their highest rating, AAA, to the second highest, AA+. They also indicated that the rating could be downgraded further in coming months.

Why did they do this?
They stated that it was a combination of concerns over the federal government's debt and a sense that the recently passed debt ceiling plan did not reduce annual deficits enough.

So what does it mean for me?
It could mean that some investment funds that are required to hold only AAA-rated bonds will have to sell U.S. paper, making Treasuries less valuable on international markets, and it could ultimately lead to higher interest rates. Of course, this could cause the economy to slide back into recession if lending is curtailed because of higher rates, businesses become even less willing to hire, and consumer demand for loan-based items like homes and automobiles drops even further.

Would this impact the rest of the world?
U.S. Treasuries are still the most heavily held debt instrument in the world, and the world relies quite heavily on the American economy, which is still the world's largest. Therefore, any large shift in the U.S. economy or the value of U.S. debt could rock an already fragile global economy. Furthermore, a perception that the United States' long-term fiscal outlook is negative could very well harm our global image and reduce our leverage on major international issues, from terrorism to nuclear proliferation.

And all that could happen because of Standard & Poor's decision? They must be very powerful.
Indeed they are.

Which agency of the government do they report to?
They are a private company.

A private company?
They are a division of McGraw-Hill.

McGraw-Hill? Isn't that the company that makes textbooks?
They also own some local T.V. stations.

Where did they come from?
They were founded in the late 19th Century by Henry Varnum Poor, a Maine timber magnate.

So a guy who made money cutting down trees in Maine built the company that now has the power to throw the entire global economy into chaos?
It's the American dream.

But at least they have a stellar record in rating financial institutions and activities, right?
Absolutely.

Absolutely?
Well, not absolutely. They did give consistently high ratings to Wall Street's exotic financial schemes, like subprime mortgage-backed securities, giving pension funds, mutual funds and city governments the confidence to invest in them, which of course then caused them to go belly up when the whole Ponzi scheme fell apart in 2008.

If Standard & Poor's and the other credit rating agencies had done due diligence on these schemes and rated them less favorably, is it likely that they would not have become so ubiquitous and the subsequent economic crisis might not have been as bad?
One could argue that.

And if the economic crisis hadn't been so bad, then the federal debt would be lower, too, because there'd be more tax revenue and less need for safety net programs, right?
Perhaps.

Therefore, Standard & Poor's is, in some part, responsible for the federal debt situation they are basing their downgrade on.
We don't like to assign blame.

Well, at least Standard & Poor's suffered financially from their negligence in the 2000s, right?
They made tens of millions of dollars rating these investments.

But certainly prior to that they never gave a top rating to any other dubious entity, right?
Right. Mostly right.

What do you mean, "mostly right"?
They did give top ratings to some companies that, possibly, and we stress possibly, were not as financially sound as they claimed.

Such as?
Bear Sterns. AIG. Lehman Brothers.

Are you kidding me?
And Enron.

Enron? They gave Enron a top rating? And now they are the arbiter of the global economy?
Everyone makes mistakes.

Does that mean they might have made a mistake this time, on the U.S. debt?
It's unlikely. Or likely.

Which is it, likely or unlikely?
They did make a small mistake on their analysis of U.S. debt last week.

How big a mistake?
Just an accounting error.

How much?
Two trillion dollars.

Two trillion dollars is an "accounting mistake"?
For a firm that said Enron was healthy, sure.

So who decided that Standard & Poor's should have such sway over our government and economy?
The Securities and Exchange Commission, which has designated them and a few other credit rating agencies as a "nationally recognized statistical rating organization."

And how do they decide who gets to be a "nationally recognized statistical rating organization"?
Congress passed a law in 2006 that set those criteria for the SEC.

2006. Isn't that around the same time Congress was gutting the SEC's budget, despite the fact that Wall Street was spiralling out of control with risky subprime mortgages? And after they blew it on Enron?
We're not that good with dates.

So let us get this straight. Our economy - in fact, the world's economy - is now in the hands of a for-profit company founded by a timber magnate that has not only given a top rating to every fraudulent company in the last decade, but actually exacerbated the current financial crisis it now criticizes the government for not fixing fast enough, all because it has been bestowed credibility by the very same legislators and regulators who allowed the financial crisis to grow out of control in the first place.
If you wanted to put a "spin" on it.

We are starting to have chest pains. Could you call 911 for us?
Due to budget cuts, your city has reduced emergency services to six hours a day. This is not one of those hours.

So what am I supposed to do now?
We suggest you look elewhere for reliable medical advice.

How am I supposed to find reliable medical advice when I'm having a heart attack??
Try this.

Obama Agrees to Do Daughters' Homework in Exchange for Their Not Kicking Him in His Testicles

WASHINGTON (GB) - President Obama announced tonight he had reached an agreement with daughters Sasha and Malia to do their homework for them all next year, hours before they planned to start kicking him repeatedly in the crotch.

Obama announces deal
to avoid having his daughters
assault his crown jewels.

"There was some tough bargaining," the clearly relieved President said from the Rose Garden. "Nobody got everything they wanted. But in the end, all sides compromised to reach a solution that will protect my most precious assets."

The announcement caps six months of feverish wrangling that began in January when Obama's girls announced they would commence mashing his potatoes on August 5. Initially, Obama said he wanted them to not attack his 'nads without any strings attached. But the girls quickly made it clear that the President would have to give up something in order to protect his golden cubes.

Obama had laid out a plan whereby he would finish the girls' homework for the 2011-2012 school year to avoid the nut-cracking, but demanded that the girls also help to clear the dinner dishes once a month. In the end, though, Obama dropped the dish clearing demand as the scrotum-whacking deadline approached and it became clear the girls would not compromise.

The final agreement creates a super-commission comprised of six of the President's friends and six of his daughters' friends, which will provide recommendations for further homework-completing by the President until the girls reach college.

"Both sides gave a little," said Vice President Joe Biden, who was instrumental in brokering the deal with Bo, the First Dog, who represented the girls. "We agreed that the President would write their papers, finish their math equations and build dioramas. In exchange, the girls agreed not to play penalty kicks with Barack's ballsack."

A spokesperson for the girls said that they were disappointed that the final deal worked out between Biden and the dog would prevent them from bashing daddy's teabags and did not require the President to also perform all household chores until the girls reached the age of 21. But they added that they expected to find other ways to put Obama's man-purse in a state of constant siege.

Following the press conference, the President was overheard asking Chief of Staff Bill Daley where he could find a shoebox, pipe cleaners and a tube of Elmer's glue.

BREAKING: Secret Provision in Debt Deal Makes Ke$ha Secretary of Treasury

WASHINGTON (GB) - A firestorm of controversy has ignited as it was revealed that the debt ceiling plan agreed to by President Obama and Congressional Republicans includes a provision that replaces Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner with Ke$ha.



Economic experts said they were
unsure how Ke$ha would
address monetary policy

 The Dow Jones dropped 115 points on the news that Ke$ha could become the U.S. Treasury Secretary in the next few days, although shares in companies that make fishnet stockings, crotchless leather pants and glitter rose precipitously.

Nobody on Capitol Hill is taking credit for the provision, buried in page 567 of the bill. Unidentified staffers say the provision was added by a House Republican whose kids are "really into her music and wanted to see what they could get away with."

White House spokesman Jay Carney said that while the President was unaware of the provision, it would not stop him from signing the bill into law. "We all have to make tough decisions," Carney said. "And if replacing Secretary Geithner with Ke$ha is the price for avoiding default, so be it."

Outside interest groups are frantically calling on their supporters to tell Congress to oppose the deal. "We simply cannot allow Ke$ha to be put in charge of the country's finances," said Elmer Rootmeyer, president of Americans for America, which has put out an urgent appeal for its backers to flood Congress' phone lines in opposition to the plan.

However, a group of nearly 100 tweenage girls descended on the Treasury building in Washington to celebrate and show their support.

"Like, o my God I am so excited!" said 12-year old Mia Kerlamp from Cherry Hill, NJ. "This is, like, o my God, totally, o my God!"

Although spokespeople for the singer have not commented, Ke$ha did tweet from her "Get Sleazy" tour, "Reddy 2 shake up DC! Howz about Britney 4 the dollar bill????????"

Monetary experts were divided on the impact on the economy of having Ke$ha as Treasury Secretary. According to Todd Benkman of Goldman Sachs, "For us, the bottom line is, so long as we can continue making profit, we don't give a shit who is Treasury secretary."

Weekend Watch: 10 Fun Things to Do This Weekend

Happy Friday! It's the last weekend of July, and for those of you looking for some fun, fun, fun things to do before August rolls around,  GefilteBacon provide a handy cheat-sheet to make the most of the next couple of days.

1. Take in a music festival. Lollapaloza may be still a week away, but from Tulsa to Louisville, kick back with some cool jazz, smoky blues or some fiery salsa at a wide range of free festivals across the country.

2. Try a new sport, like windsurfing. Whether it's on the Great Lakes, off the Santa Monica pier, or New York's Hudson River (really!), what better time to hit the waves with a cool new hobby!

3. Withdraw all your money from your bank account, college funds and 401k; hide it under the mattress.

4. Take a vineyard tour. Napa Valley isn't the only place to sample the country's finest wines. Check out several great tours on Long Island and anywhere the cork beckons you!

5. Extract the gold fillings from your kids' teeth, melt them down and sell it. Stash any gold, silver or platinum still in the house in a deep hole in your backyard. Surround with booby traps.

6. Learn how to zipline! Zip your way through the trees like they do in Central America, seeing the world from a whole new vantage!  If you're in the Chicagoland area, check these zippy zippers out!

7. Collect canned goods, water, shotguns and gas masks. Stock them in the saferoom in your basement. Find large pieces of furniture or concrete blocks to use as a barricade.

8. Go on a hike. There's no better way to enjoy nature, savor our country's beauty and get some exercise at the same time with a casual or more strenuous stroll through the woods.

9. Find your passport, haul ass to the airport and hire a plane to whisk you and your family beyond U.S. territory before the jobless mutant zombies pull you off and eat your flesh. Be prepared to take the plane's controls if the pilot turns on you. If the wife or kids hesitate about getting on the plane, leave them behind; you can always start a new life when you land. And never, never look back.

10. Pray. My God, pray!

Just In: Attila the Hun Announces Support for Debt Ceiling Compromise

EASTERN ROMAN EMPIRE (GB) - Attila the Hun, the legendary and ruthless leader of the Huns, took to his Facebook page Wednesday to urge Congress to adopt a compromise debt ceiling plan that cut spending and raised revenue.

"Look, I'm a pretty conservative guy," Attila wrote from his encampment outside the walls of Constantinople where he was leading a long and deadly siege. "Folks are always trying to get to the right of me. But this is some crazy shit coming out of the House of Representatives, man."

He added, "Want to pillage and plunder? Be my guest, amigo. Invade the Roman territories and impale your enemies' heads on stakes? Don't mind if I do. But the one thing you never do is risk downgrading your country's credit rating. That's just sick, dude."

News Alert: Boehner Unveils Plan to Raise Debt Ceiling $10 at a Time

WASHINGTON (GB) - Responding to opposition to his latest plan from Tea Party Republicans, House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) announced a new proposal today to raise the debt ceiling in ten-dollar increments.

"Here's how it works," Boehner said at a Capitol Hill press conference this morning. "If President Obama sends us one billion dollars in spending cuts before midnight, we will raise the debt ceiling by ten dollars. Tomorrow, if he sends us another billion in cuts, we raise it another ten dollars, and so on."

"But here's the thing," Boehner added, looking stern. "If he fails to deliver those billion dollars in cuts to Capitol Hill by midnight, we lower the debt ceiling by a trillion dollars."

Boehner added that the plan has additional incentives for the President. "If he agrees to repeal ObamaCare, we raise the ceiling ten more dollars. Get rid of Dodd-Frank? Ten bucks. Admit he was born in Kenya? Another Hamilton for him."

"However," Boehner added, "if he so much as mentions the word 'tax,' we're lowering the ceiling by a trillion. If he says 'compromise,' that's two trillion off the top."

When asked how long it would take under the plan to lift the debt ceiling to a level that would calm the markets and reassure the credit agencies, aides to the Speaker said it should take approximately 56,894 years.

White House officials said they were reviewing the plan.

However, several Tea Party members said they will oppose the plan, mainly because it acknowledges that Barack Obama is President.

Your Call is Very Important to Us: Behind The Obama-Boehner Breakdown

As he had done often during their weeks of budget talks, President Barack Obama tried to get House Speaker John Boehner on the phone late Thursday, but never heard back. The silence continued into Friday, and White House aides began to wonder.

“I couldn’t get a phone call returned,” Obama said Friday, as if still not quite believing it himself.

-          Politico, July 23, 2011

Speaker’s office, how may I help you?

This is the President. I need to speak with John.

All right. Who may I say is calling?

Um, the President.

President… of?

The United States.

OK. Can I get your name?

My name?

Yes, please.

Barack Obama.

OK. Can you spell that?

For Pete’s- All right. B-A-R-A-C-K.

B-A-R-R-

No, one “R.”

And the last name?

O-B-A-M-A.

Got it. O-S-A-M-A.

No, O-B. “B.” As in “boy.” Or “Boehner.”

O-S-

O-B.

Got it. And what may I say this is in reference to?

You’ve got to be kidding me.

Sorry, I need that information.

The debt ceiling. Default. The budget. Look, can you just-

“Debt . . . ceiling.” OK, hold on. I will transfer you.

*Sigh*

Hum … click. Hi, you’ve reached the voice mail of Speaker of the House John

Boehner-

What the-

If you would like to leave your opinion on the Democrats’ tax-and-spend policies, press one. If you’d like to reserve a tour of the Capitol, press two. For an operator, press zero.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Hum…click. Speaker’s office, how may I help you?

This is the President of the United States. I need to speak to Boehner now.

Hold on, I’ll transfer you.

Thank you.

Hum…click. Quiznos Capitol Hill. Mmmm… toasty. How may I help you?

Oh, for the love of- Can you please transfer me to back to the Capitol?

Sure, but first may I tempt you with our new Tuscan Buffalo chicken flatbread with pepperjack cheese, only $6.95 this week-

Please transfer me back.

Hum…click. Speaker’s office.

Yes, this is the President of the United States. Barack Obama. Leader of the Free World. I need to speak with John Boehner. Right now.

Sure. Can I put you on hold?

Whatever.

“If you like pina coladas, and getting’ caught in the rain, if you’re not into yoga…”

I seriously need a cigarette.

Hum… click. Speaker Boehner’s office. Can I help you?

I need to talk to Boehner.

I’m sorry, he’s not here right now. Can I help you?

Who is this?

Timmy. I’m one of the summer interns.

Timmy, this is a matter of national urgency. Can you please get the Speaker for me?

Um… OK, I was told that he’s not available.

Where is he?

Taking a shower.

In the middle of the day?

It’s hot outside, sir.

Well please get him out, I need to speak to him.

I’m sorry, sir, but they don’t allow phones in the Members’ Dining Room.

Wait, I thought you said he was taking a shower.

He is.

In the Members’ Dining Room? Please, Timmy, can you put him on the line?

Have you tried texting him?

I did, and he won’t text me back. I also poked him on Facebook. Timmy, the country needs you to find John Boehner and put him on the phone with me.

I'm sorry, Mr. President, but we can't seem to locate him.

Can't locate him? Timmy, I'm watching him on "Fox and Friends" right now. He's standing in the Rotunda next to Steve Doocy. Please, Timmy.

OK, I’ll see what I can do. Hold on. 

Thank you.

Hum… “7 a.m., waking up in the morning. Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs…”

“Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal…”

Hum … click. Quiznos Capitol Hill. Can we make you a Peppercorn Cubano flatbread with spicy chipotle dressing today?

*Sigh* I never should’ve thrown out my Kenyan birth certificate.

UPDATE: Wadded-up Kleenex Joins Gang of Six

WASHINGTON (GB) - Hopes for a bipartisan deal on the debt ceiling were raised tonight with the news that a wadded-up Kleenex has joined the Senate's Gang of Six.

"We are delighted that this mucous-covered tissue has decided to work with us in finding a solution to the debt and deficit crisis," said Gang of Six member Mark Warner (D-VA). "This is the shot in the arm these talks need."

Aides to the Kleenex said it hopes
a deal can be reached to avoid a
government default.

Republican Gang of Six participant Tom Coburn (R-OK) echoed Warner's remarks, telling reporters, "I look forward to hearing the Kleenex's ideas on cutting spending and finding a way forward on tax reform."

Congressional leaders in both parties, however, expressed concern that the discarded tissue might sell out their respective sides for a larger debt ceiling deal.

"Where is the Kleenex on entitlements? Is it going to want to cut Social Security?" asked an unnamed Senate Democratic aide. "We hope that this thin piece of crumpled up cotton fibers has the moral fiber not to undermine 70 years of protecting the most vulnerable."

A House Republican aide was more dismissive, calling the Kleenex "a tax-and-spend snot rag." The aide further raised a question about whether the tissue had signed onto the Americans for Tax Reform no-new-taxes pledge.

Calls to the tissue and its advisers were not immediately returned, although according to the Kleenex's Twitter account, it plans to join the Gang of Six talks in the Capitol on Friday. "Cant wait 2B in the discussions," the tissue wrote. "Peace out, people."

How to Reduce the Deficit: 10 Easy Solutions

It's pretty clear that wherever this debt ceiling train ends up, there is going to be a whole lot of deficit cutting in the mix. But how do you do it when Republicans don't want to raise taxes, cut defense spending, or raise the debt ceiling, and Democrats don't want to cut entitlements?

Well, except for those Democrats who have proposed cutting entitlements. Such as President Obama. Who, one could argue, is the top Democrat.

So let us rephrase that. But how do you do it when Republicans don't want to raise taxes, cut defense spending, or raise the debt ceiling?

We at GefilteBacon think of ourselves, first and foremost, as ideas people. And so we are pleased to offer 10 innovative, common-sense ways that the government can live more within its means:

1. Replace federal food inspectors with informational posters suggesting people cook their fruits and vegetables until they reach an internal temperature of 180 degrees Fahrenheit.

2. Get rid of extraneous states. Would anyone really notice if we combined the Dakotas? Maybe Russia will refund us for Alaska. Giving Hawaii back to Queen Liliʻuokalani would both save money and right a wrong. Also, anyone "born" there would now be ineligible to serve as President. Hint, hint. We're looking right at you, Donald Trump.

3. Install blackjack tables in Social Security offices, then pay senior citizens in chips and free drinks.

4. Two words: Living Social:

5. Send U.S. troops to take over a country with an existing infrastructure for growing and distributing a lucrative and potent narcotic, like opium. Direct the CIA to begin work to identify such a place, if it exists.

6. Sell off national assets, like Mount Rushmore, the Liberty Bell, Mickey Rooney.

7. Raise the debt ceiling to calm the credit agencies. Then, when they're not looking, lower it again. If they look, raise it. Then lower it. Raise it. Lower it. Raise it. Lower it. C'mon everybody, grab a side, lift with your legs!

 

8. Replace the fine coffee they usually serve in federal buildings with Folgers Crystals. See if anyone can tell the difference.

9. Combine programs. For example, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Fine Arts.

10. Invent a time machine, go back to 1917, and shoot whoever the Hell came up with the debt ceiling in the first place.

Debt Talks in Chaos After Cantor Gives Reid a Wedgie

WASHINGTON (GB) - Thursday's debt ceiling talks at the White House ended in disarray after House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) gave Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) a wedgie, sources say.

According to aides who were in the Cabinet Room at the time, Reid was huddling with Vice President Joe Biden and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) during a break when Cantor snuck up behind him. "Cantor put his hands into Reid's pants, grabbed a hold of the elastic band of his underpants, and yanked them straight up," a source said, "causing Reid to scream like a girl."

The source added that Cantor proceeded to run around the room, arms in the air, shouting, "Burn! I totally own you, old man!" He then reportedly jumped on the conference table, shook his backside at Reid, and sang, "Nancy and Harry, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

Aides to both sides say that Reid, a former professional boxer, took a swing at Cantor, but hit Biden in the mouth instead, causing Secret Service agents to tackle him to the ground.

At this point, President Obama is believed to have said, "F--k it. I need a smoke," and left the room to light up in the Rose Garden.

Biden was taken to George Washington University Hospital where doctors wired his jaw shut. A White House spokesman said the Vice President will not be able to speak for at least three weeks, a development that some Obama aides greeted with relief.

The acrimony continued outside the West Wing when the Congressional leaders approached the media.

"This is the most immature behavior I have ever seen," Reid said before the cameras.

"This is the most immature behavior I have ever seen," Cantor replied.

"Don't copy me!" Reid snapped.

"Don't copy me!" Cantor replied.

"Jackass," Reid said, marching off.

Boehner started to say something about how both parties needed to think about the children, but he broke down in sobs before he could finish. At that point, Pelosi said, "Will you please grow a pair, John?"

White House officials said the talks would resume on Friday. They added that steps will be taken to reduce the tension, mentioning the possibility of trust falls, a conversation ball, or having First Lady Michelle Obama lead the group in jumping jacks.

Yo, Moody's: Downgrade This!

Dear Moody's,

What gives, man? You're talking about downgrading our credit rating?

Do you know who we are, compadre? We're the United F---ing States of America, okay? We're not Greece or Portugal. We sent a man to the moon. We invented the Internet. We fought the aliens when they landed on Earth and tried to exterminate the entire human race.

Okay, that last one was a movie. But who invented the movies, man? We did. What have you invented lately?

We invented NASCAR. N-A-S-C-A-R, baby. And pickup trucks. And now you're saying that you might downgrade us because we might default on our debt? Seriously?? What's gotten up your ass? You know we're good for our debts, man. We're gonna pay. Guarantee it.

Yeah, okay, maybe we'll be a few days late. Or weeks. Or... whatever. But seriously, who hasn't missed a payment once in a while? Don't you guys give a grace period? Don't you send out a second notice? When did you get all "You gotta pay on time or we're calling the cops" on us? This is totally bogus and you know it. Quit acting like our ex-girlfriend and being all vindictive and petty and sh-t.

So maybe we're not going to pay. It's not like there's some law or something that says we have to. Who made you the king of all this nonsense? What's the big deal? So we miss a few payments. Not like the world is going to end if we don't pay up. People getting all stressed out about it, like it's the worst thing that we could do. Destroy the economy. Ruin the country. Chillax, amigos. Things always work out, right? Just come back in a few weeks, or months,or in 2013, and we're totally good for it.

Besides, man, we got it tough. We've had issues lately, you know? Been a hard few years for us. Sh-t ain't been working out the way we figured. But we're coming back, man, and better than before. We got a plan. We got it all figured out.

What's our plan, you ask? We'll tell you our plan, chief.

Well, the plan's not totally cooked yet. Still got some kinks to work out. But it's a big plan. A bold plan. Okay, fine, we gave up on the big, bold plan. But we got a really timid, smallish plan. And, yeah, we don't have that one figured out yet, either. But we're definitely gonna have a plan by August 2nd. Or so. Maybe later. It's hard to get anything done in the summer.

But listen, Moody's: we're coming back. We're the f---ing home of the free and the land of the brave. We landed on Iwo F---ing Jima with just four Marines and a flag. We went into 'Nam with a rifle and a bandanna and got a thousand POWs out. We beat Ivan Drago, in Moscow, in front of the Commies, and looked damn good doing it.

So you just watch your back, chief. 'Cause the U.S. of A. is the biggest, the baddest motherf---er on the block. And if you don't keep your distance, we're gonna drop some Team Six Navy SEALs into your compound.

We might not be able to pay them, but they don't know that yet. And we'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't tell them.

Peace out.
The United States of America

Maybe This is Why So Many Republicans' Marriages Fail

We at GefilteBacon believe that learning from one's mistakes is a virtue of man and nation alike. Even we have learned from our mistakes: when we posted that Big Macs are made from baby seal meat, we retracted it the minute McDonald's threatened legal action against us.*

So three years ago, when moribund regulation of the financial industry almost caused the global economy to melt faster than a Sno-Cone on a hot sidewalk, we assumed that there would be some serious soul-searching by advocates of less regulation.

Look, we at GefilteBacon support capitalism (please click on the links on the right - we get money when you do!). Open and fair competition is the way to go, but only if the referees have the tools they need to knock some heads around if need be. And the economic meltdown should have taught everyone the lesson that effective government oversight of 20-year old Russian computer whizzes inventing exotic financial instruments while snorting coke from the bosoms of New York hookers might be something we all could agree upon.

Man were we wrong!

Not only has the small government crowd declined to re-think its priorities, it has actually doubled down on the "no regulation is good for America" line. They furiously block even the most meager attempt to give the referees a working whistle and accuse their opponents of being socialists. And so far it seems to be working: Wall Street is as strong as ever, and government spending (including, we assume, for financial oversight) is being slashed.

So if doubling down on a bad idea works for policymakers, does it work in all aspects of life?

This brings is to Bob, our head of accounts receivable. Bob and his wife hosted her family for a Fourth of July cookout a few weeks back. Bob fancies himself quite the barbecue king, and so, as he does every Independence Day, he sauntered out to the deck, doused the briquettes with lighter fluid, and lit up the coals.

Now Bob's wife, whom he lovingly refers to as the "Harpie" (at least we think it's loving), always hated the charcoal grill, because she feared that it would set their wood deck on fire. "Can't you buy a propane grill like everyone else on the block?" she'd always say. But Bob was adamant that charcoal was the way.

This particular Independence Day was quite dry and windy, and so Bob's wife was more - shall we say? - insistent than ever. She begged Bob not to light the coals; he told her to go away. She ordered their 15-year old son to stand guard over the barbecue and call 911 if anything looked amiss; Bob said he was in control, and that the boy should go back to playing his X-Box or getting high or whatever the hell that no-good punk did in his spare time. I can watch the grill myself, Bob said.

At this point, Bob was on his fifth hard lemonade of the afternoon and was busy arguing sports with his wife's brother, and so he failed to notice when the wind picked up and blew the flames into the wood railing.

Long story short: the deck burned to the ground, taking with it the barbecue, Bob's wife's prized geraniums and both of Bob's mother-in-law's eyebrows.

At this point, the obvious response from Bob should probably have been complete and utter contrition, and perhaps a re-thinking of his pro-charcoal ideology. But Bob thought about how conservatives had doubled down on their anti-regulation schtick and were getting away with it.

So the next day, when his wife suggested that maybe he should consider giving up grilling and stick to the kitchen, Bob laid into her. He called her an anti-barbecue extremist. He questioned loudly why his wife was trying to undermine the quality of the food they served to family and friends. He labeled her ideas as taste-killing reforms. He cited numerous studies he found on the web about how cooking food in a kitchen increases the risk of carbon monoxide poisoning and ant infestation. He dryly pointed out that perhaps oven-roasted meat was fine for Europe, but that's not how we do things in America.

With that, Bob marched out to the front porch, fired up the brand new barbecue his parents had bought for him, and triumphantly downed half a case of Sam Adams.

Then the front porch caught on fire and the entire house burned down. Bob's wife and kids are now staying at her sister's. Bob is sleeping on the GefilteBacon communal couch, taking showers in the men's room.

What are the lessons to be learned? First, don't barbecue on a wooden deck when the wind is blowing and your mother-in-law's waxed eyebrows are in close proximity.

And second, and perhaps more important, doubling down only seems to work if you're married to a Democrat.




* GefilteBacon wishes to state voluntarily, unequivocally and without condition or reservation that McDonald's hamburgers, including but not limited to the Big Mac, are not now, nor have they ever been in the past, nor will they ever be, nor has McDonald's, its affiliates, or franchisees in the United States and all other nations, ever so much as considered, nor will the aforementioned ever consider at any point or under any circumstances, known or unknown, in the future, made, processed with, transported, cooked, served or photographed for advertisements or displays of a digital or print nature, in whole or in part from the meat, tissues, blood, organs, skin, hair follicles, or other physical body parts, of baby seals or other aquatic mammals.

BREAKING NEWS: Navy SEALs Kill Casey Anthony

WASHINGTON (GB) — Casey Anthony was killed in a firefight with United States forces in Florida, President Obama announced tonight.

In a late-night appearance in the East Room of the White House, Obama declared that “justice has been done” as he disclosed that Navy SEALs had finally cornered Anthony, who was finishing serving her jail sentence in Pinellas County, Florida.

The news touched off an extraordinary outpouring of emotion as crowds gathered outside the White House, in Times Square and in front of Nancy Grace’s studio, waving American flags, cheering, shouting, laughing and chanting, “U.S.A., U.S.A.!”

 President Obama announces the killing of Casey Anthony (right)
by Navy SEALs in a White House address Sunday night.



“For the last three years, Casey Anthony has been the symbol of moms gone bad,” the president said in a statement broadcast around the world. “The death of Casey marks the most significant achievement to date in our nation’s effort to defeat evil tabloid villainesses. But her death does not mark the end of our effort. There’s no doubt that other rotten mothers will continue to do things that will enrage and fascinate us. We must and we will remain vigilant.”

According to top-level administration sources, the Navy SEALs descended into the Pinellas County Jail, where they believed Anthony to be holed up, at 2 a.m. local time. Although there are conflicting reports, it appears that a firefight broke out between the SEALs and Anthony before she was taken down.

Once the body was identified as belonging to Anthony, these sources say, it was flown to the USS Carl Vinson in the Gulf of Mexico. There, a Navy chaplain read passages from Us Weekly as the body was lowered into the water.

People gather in front of the White House Sunday night
to celebrate the killing of Casey Anthony.

Republicans praised Obama for his bold action in taking out Anthony, although some privately grumbled that he failed to give enough credit to his predecessor, George W. Bush. On her Facebook page, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin wrote, “We thank President Bush for his leadership in, you know, being president when Caylee went missing.”

Pundits agreed that Obama’s decision to green-light the risky operation will help him politically, especially coming on the heels of another dismal jobs report. According to the Univeristy of Virginia’s Larry Sabato, “Every time his opponents bring up the economy or health care or the stimulus, and say he’s a weak president, Obama can now say, ‘I got Casey.’  And Osama bin Laden, too. I think. That was so last spring.”

10 Ways Progressives Can Get Mad

Progressives are PISSED.

It was bad enough that President Barack "I'll Give You Everything You Want, But That's My Final Offer!" Obama already proposed five bucks in spending cuts for every one dollar in tax increases. But now he's actually offered up Social Security to the Republicans. At this rate, liberals fear, the White House will surrender the Voting Rights Act and the EPA in exchange for a 2-for-1 coupon at Denny's.

But let's face it: hip, urbane, civically minded 21st Century progressives just don't do angry, at least not as well as Tea Party folk do. If they did, the debate might turn out differently. But it's not in their DNA.

So we at GefilteBacon once again step into the breach. Here are 10 tips on how progressives - from Berkeley to Bethesda, from Brookline to . . . some other liberal enclave that starts with 'B' - can take this fight to the streets:

1. Get into hybrid and pull alongside SUV. Give disapproving look to driver. Move on to next SUV.

2. Collect a thousand sheets of paper. Make a thousand origami doves. Place them along busy thoroughfare to represent society's most vulnerable. Throw doves into a Hefty bag to represent the destruction of society's most vulnerable by Republicans. Remove doves from Hefty bags, unfold carefully and donate paper to a shelter for abused women.

3. Organize a rally. Prepare signs with actual quotes from Tea Party rallies, but use comical fonts as an ironic commentary on Tea Party values.

4. Find female mannequin. Dress it up in dark suit. Place picture of Michele Bachmann's face on head. Arrange mannequin in chair and patiently explain to it why Keynsian theory on the inefficiencies of microeconomic decisions by private players outweigh the rational expectation theories of Muth.

5. Write an episode of The West Wing in which President Bartlett goes toe to toe with incalcitrant Republicans and wins. Get into time machine, go back to 1999 and pitch script to Aaron Sorkin.

6. Street theater: Make and put on a Lorax costume. Assemble pile of rocks in front of local GOP headquarters and write "UNLESS" on them. Attempt to hoist yourself into the air by seat of your pants.

7. Hold a real tea party. Purchase a satchel of fair trade organic tea from local farmer's market. Prepare a zucchini nut bread from the original Moosewood recipe. Invite small number of friends to enjoy tea and bread while knitting panels for AIDS Quilt.

8. Go through personal archive of old New Yorkers. Find cartoon that adequately captures your feelings, ideally something by Roz Chast. Photograph with iPhone and email to friends.

9. Put on Thomas Jefferson costume. Go to town center and stand on soapbox. Unfurl copy of Declaration of Independence. Think about fact that Jefferson was a slave owner. Get off soapbox and walk home, reflecting on fallibility of man.

10. Start a blog. Give it a quirky name, perhaps the juxtaposition of two nouns that are vaguely contradictory. Compose blog entries with ironic, detached commentary about politics. Share with friends and assorted strangers who stumble onto it looking for serious content.

The Debt Crisis is Solved!

As the U.S. marches confidently towards defaulting on its debt and destroying its economy, it has become pretty clear that the gas pedal in this parade float of ruin is being pressed by Republicans refusing to even consider a smidgen of tax increases.

And who can blame them? For nearly a quarter century, even mentioning the words "tax increase" without preceding them with the words "job killing," "economy destroying," "socialistic," and/or "child molesting" can give a Republican officeholder a one-way ticket into a talking head slot on MSNBC's late shift. And the main reason for this fact of life is this man:

Grover Norquist may sound like a cross between a muppet and a Norwegian fisherman, but make no mistake: he has literally made "taxes" a four letter word among Republicans with his Taxpayer Protection Pledge:

I pledge to the American people that I will:  ONE, oppose any and all efforts to increase the marginal income tax rate for individuals and business; and TWO, oppose any net reduction or elimination of deductions and credits, unless matched dollar for dollar by further reducing tax rates.

GOPers who refuse to sign the pledge might as well start wearing Birkenstocks and smoking weed on the campaign trail. Which is why Republicans are unable to even consider the idea of tax increases as a part of the debt ceiling negotiations - after all, if your choice is between economic ruin and pissing off a bearded Norweigian muppet, there really is no choice.

Which is why GefilteBacon has decided to jump into the breach and form its own pledge, the AMERICA PROTECTION PLEDGE.

By asking your elected representatives to sign this pledge, you can give them the political cover they need to make the tough choices in this budget fight. So please clip this out and ask your Congressman or woman to stand up for principle by signing the Pledge. The nation you save could be your own!



Thought of the Day, Casey Anthony Edition

We at GefilteBacon are proud to live in a nation where the murder of children is so rare that the verdict in a single child homicide case is front page news across the country.

Your Debt Ceiling Questions Answered

The looming debt ceiling crisis has many people scratching their heads about how we got here and what it means. In the interest of helping the public be better informed, GefilteBacon has assembled this useful set of FAQs.

What is the debt ceiling?
It is a limit on how much debt the United States government can incur, set into law by Congress and the President. The current debt ceiling is $14.3 trillion, which the Treasury Department says it will hit around August 2.

What will happen if the debt ceiling is not raised by then?
The immediate impact will be that the federal government would not be able to pay off debt. This "default" could lead to the country's credit rating being lowered, higher interest rates, a devalued dollar and dramatically reduced investor confidence in Treasury-backed securities.

What does that mean for me?
It could mean that the fragile economy would collapse. Job losses would be huge. Global markets would face a panic. There could be a run on banks. The United States' credibility as a safe financial investment would be shattered for years, even decades. Our nation's leadership role in the world would be forever compromised, condemning our descendants to a second-rate existence as part of a debtor society.

That sounds pretty bad. So can't Congress raise the debt ceiling?
They can, but Congressional Republicans, and some Democrats, will not support raising the ceiling unless it is paired with steps to reduce the federal deficit.

Are the parties discussing how to achieve that?
Vice President Biden convened a group of Congressional leaders from both parties to negotiate a solution. Congressional Republicans have stated that "everything is on the table" in budget negotiations.

And how are those talks going?
Congressional Republicans walked out of them two weeks ago.

Why?
Because Democrats insisted that increases be on the table.

But you just said that Republicans said "everything is on the table" in negotiations. How can they say everything is on the table and also say that taxes are off the table?
Because everything is on the table.

Except tax increases.
Correct.

So because they don’t want to negotiate tax increases, Republicans abandoned the talks, leaving us closer to defaulting on our debt?
Republicans didn't abandon the process. Democrats did.

How is it that Democrats abandoned the talks when it was the Republicans who walked out?
Because Democrats placed preconditions on the talks that were unacceptable to Republicans.

What preconditions?
That tax increases would not be off the table.

How is the Democrats’ refusal to accept the Republicans’ refusal to discuss tax increases a precondition?
If Democrats had gone into the talks with a plan to cut the deficit, instead of refusing to refuse to discuss tax increases, we wouldn't be in this mess.

You mean Democrats have refused to propose spending cuts?
Democrats have offered five dollars of spending cuts to every one dollar of tax increases.

So they have put forward a plan, one that gives Republicans almost everything they want?
By putting forward a plan that refuses to put everything on the table shows that they are not putting forward a plan.

What have they refused to put on the table?
Taking tax increases off the table.

They are to blame for the talks collapsing because they have refused to put taking tax increases off the table on the table?
That's right.

That doesn't even make any sense.
What doesn't make sense is the Democrats' refusal to negotiate.

But they did. You said they offered a deal of five dollars of spending cuts to every one dollar in tax cuts.
Exactly. Their refusal to offer a solution that Republicans can support shows that they are refusing to negotiate.

So negotiation is when Democrats give Republicans everything they want?
Based on past experience, yes.

Why won't the Republicans put tax increases on the table?
Raising taxes kills jobs.

Won't a government default kill even more jobs?
Yes, which is why Democrats need to accept a deal that will strengthen our economy by not raising taxes.

What taxes precisely are Democrats looking to increase?
Taxes on the wealthy, eliminating tax incentives for oil and gas companies, ending tax breaks for corporate jets.

And Republicans oppose these?
Taxing the job creators will hurt job creation.

Are you saying Republicans would prefer see the country go into default - which would destroy even more jobs - than allow small tax increases?
Of course not, which is why Democrats need to come back to the negotiating table and put forward a plan that includes everything.

Except tax increases.
We've covered this already.

But won't cutting government spending hurt the economy, too, by taking money out of the economy?
It is a well known fact that 90 percent of government spending goes to provide abortions to women who were impregnated by their lesbian lovers.

Not only is that not true, it is biologically impossible.
It's already running on Fox News.

Why can't, for the sake of avoiding plunging the Republic into financial ruin, Republicans accept even a small amount of tax increases?
Washington doesn’t have a taxing problem, it has a spending problem.

Isn't that just a bumper sticker?
Obama is a socialist.

That's not even a response to what I asked.
Obama. Socialist.

All right, now you're just hurling insults.
Socialist socialist socialist socialist

Could you please just wait-
Socialist!

But I-
Social.

Will you p-
Ist!

I'm try-
S O C I A L I S T

This is-
Soooooooooo. Cialist.

Plea-
Knock knock.

Sigh. Who's there?
So.

"So" who?
Socialist!

I have a headache. Can we just talk about the Casey Anthony trial instead?