Weekend Watch: 10 Fun Things to Do This Weekend

Happy Friday! It's the last weekend of July, and for those of you looking for some fun, fun, fun things to do before August rolls around,  GefilteBacon provide a handy cheat-sheet to make the most of the next couple of days.

1. Take in a music festival. Lollapaloza may be still a week away, but from Tulsa to Louisville, kick back with some cool jazz, smoky blues or some fiery salsa at a wide range of free festivals across the country.

2. Try a new sport, like windsurfing. Whether it's on the Great Lakes, off the Santa Monica pier, or New York's Hudson River (really!), what better time to hit the waves with a cool new hobby!

3. Withdraw all your money from your bank account, college funds and 401k; hide it under the mattress.

4. Take a vineyard tour. Napa Valley isn't the only place to sample the country's finest wines. Check out several great tours on Long Island and anywhere the cork beckons you!

5. Extract the gold fillings from your kids' teeth, melt them down and sell it. Stash any gold, silver or platinum still in the house in a deep hole in your backyard. Surround with booby traps.

6. Learn how to zipline! Zip your way through the trees like they do in Central America, seeing the world from a whole new vantage!  If you're in the Chicagoland area, check these zippy zippers out!

7. Collect canned goods, water, shotguns and gas masks. Stock them in the saferoom in your basement. Find large pieces of furniture or concrete blocks to use as a barricade.

8. Go on a hike. There's no better way to enjoy nature, savor our country's beauty and get some exercise at the same time with a casual or more strenuous stroll through the woods.

9. Find your passport, haul ass to the airport and hire a plane to whisk you and your family beyond U.S. territory before the jobless mutant zombies pull you off and eat your flesh. Be prepared to take the plane's controls if the pilot turns on you. If the wife or kids hesitate about getting on the plane, leave them behind; you can always start a new life when you land. And never, never look back.

10. Pray. My God, pray!

Just In: Attila the Hun Announces Support for Debt Ceiling Compromise

EASTERN ROMAN EMPIRE (GB) - Attila the Hun, the legendary and ruthless leader of the Huns, took to his Facebook page Wednesday to urge Congress to adopt a compromise debt ceiling plan that cut spending and raised revenue.

"Look, I'm a pretty conservative guy," Attila wrote from his encampment outside the walls of Constantinople where he was leading a long and deadly siege. "Folks are always trying to get to the right of me. But this is some crazy shit coming out of the House of Representatives, man."

He added, "Want to pillage and plunder? Be my guest, amigo. Invade the Roman territories and impale your enemies' heads on stakes? Don't mind if I do. But the one thing you never do is risk downgrading your country's credit rating. That's just sick, dude."

News Alert: Boehner Unveils Plan to Raise Debt Ceiling $10 at a Time

WASHINGTON (GB) - Responding to opposition to his latest plan from Tea Party Republicans, House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) announced a new proposal today to raise the debt ceiling in ten-dollar increments.

"Here's how it works," Boehner said at a Capitol Hill press conference this morning. "If President Obama sends us one billion dollars in spending cuts before midnight, we will raise the debt ceiling by ten dollars. Tomorrow, if he sends us another billion in cuts, we raise it another ten dollars, and so on."

"But here's the thing," Boehner added, looking stern. "If he fails to deliver those billion dollars in cuts to Capitol Hill by midnight, we lower the debt ceiling by a trillion dollars."

Boehner added that the plan has additional incentives for the President. "If he agrees to repeal ObamaCare, we raise the ceiling ten more dollars. Get rid of Dodd-Frank? Ten bucks. Admit he was born in Kenya? Another Hamilton for him."

"However," Boehner added, "if he so much as mentions the word 'tax,' we're lowering the ceiling by a trillion. If he says 'compromise,' that's two trillion off the top."

When asked how long it would take under the plan to lift the debt ceiling to a level that would calm the markets and reassure the credit agencies, aides to the Speaker said it should take approximately 56,894 years.

White House officials said they were reviewing the plan.

However, several Tea Party members said they will oppose the plan, mainly because it acknowledges that Barack Obama is President.

Your Call is Very Important to Us: Behind The Obama-Boehner Breakdown

As he had done often during their weeks of budget talks, President Barack Obama tried to get House Speaker John Boehner on the phone late Thursday, but never heard back. The silence continued into Friday, and White House aides began to wonder.

“I couldn’t get a phone call returned,” Obama said Friday, as if still not quite believing it himself.

-          Politico, July 23, 2011

Speaker’s office, how may I help you?

This is the President. I need to speak with John.

All right. Who may I say is calling?

Um, the President.

President… of?

The United States.

OK. Can I get your name?

My name?

Yes, please.

Barack Obama.

OK. Can you spell that?

For Pete’s- All right. B-A-R-A-C-K.

B-A-R-R-

No, one “R.”

And the last name?

O-B-A-M-A.

Got it. O-S-A-M-A.

No, O-B. “B.” As in “boy.” Or “Boehner.”

O-S-

O-B.

Got it. And what may I say this is in reference to?

You’ve got to be kidding me.

Sorry, I need that information.

The debt ceiling. Default. The budget. Look, can you just-

“Debt . . . ceiling.” OK, hold on. I will transfer you.

*Sigh*

Hum … click. Hi, you’ve reached the voice mail of Speaker of the House John

Boehner-

What the-

If you would like to leave your opinion on the Democrats’ tax-and-spend policies, press one. If you’d like to reserve a tour of the Capitol, press two. For an operator, press zero.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Hum…click. Speaker’s office, how may I help you?

This is the President of the United States. I need to speak to Boehner now.

Hold on, I’ll transfer you.

Thank you.

Hum…click. Quiznos Capitol Hill. Mmmm… toasty. How may I help you?

Oh, for the love of- Can you please transfer me to back to the Capitol?

Sure, but first may I tempt you with our new Tuscan Buffalo chicken flatbread with pepperjack cheese, only $6.95 this week-

Please transfer me back.

Hum…click. Speaker’s office.

Yes, this is the President of the United States. Barack Obama. Leader of the Free World. I need to speak with John Boehner. Right now.

Sure. Can I put you on hold?

Whatever.

“If you like pina coladas, and getting’ caught in the rain, if you’re not into yoga…”

I seriously need a cigarette.

Hum… click. Speaker Boehner’s office. Can I help you?

I need to talk to Boehner.

I’m sorry, he’s not here right now. Can I help you?

Who is this?

Timmy. I’m one of the summer interns.

Timmy, this is a matter of national urgency. Can you please get the Speaker for me?

Um… OK, I was told that he’s not available.

Where is he?

Taking a shower.

In the middle of the day?

It’s hot outside, sir.

Well please get him out, I need to speak to him.

I’m sorry, sir, but they don’t allow phones in the Members’ Dining Room.

Wait, I thought you said he was taking a shower.

He is.

In the Members’ Dining Room? Please, Timmy, can you put him on the line?

Have you tried texting him?

I did, and he won’t text me back. I also poked him on Facebook. Timmy, the country needs you to find John Boehner and put him on the phone with me.

I'm sorry, Mr. President, but we can't seem to locate him.

Can't locate him? Timmy, I'm watching him on "Fox and Friends" right now. He's standing in the Rotunda next to Steve Doocy. Please, Timmy.

OK, I’ll see what I can do. Hold on. 

Thank you.

Hum… “7 a.m., waking up in the morning. Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs…”

“Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal…”

Hum … click. Quiznos Capitol Hill. Can we make you a Peppercorn Cubano flatbread with spicy chipotle dressing today?

*Sigh* I never should’ve thrown out my Kenyan birth certificate.

UPDATE: Wadded-up Kleenex Joins Gang of Six

WASHINGTON (GB) - Hopes for a bipartisan deal on the debt ceiling were raised tonight with the news that a wadded-up Kleenex has joined the Senate's Gang of Six.

"We are delighted that this mucous-covered tissue has decided to work with us in finding a solution to the debt and deficit crisis," said Gang of Six member Mark Warner (D-VA). "This is the shot in the arm these talks need."

Aides to the Kleenex said it hopes
a deal can be reached to avoid a
government default.

Republican Gang of Six participant Tom Coburn (R-OK) echoed Warner's remarks, telling reporters, "I look forward to hearing the Kleenex's ideas on cutting spending and finding a way forward on tax reform."

Congressional leaders in both parties, however, expressed concern that the discarded tissue might sell out their respective sides for a larger debt ceiling deal.

"Where is the Kleenex on entitlements? Is it going to want to cut Social Security?" asked an unnamed Senate Democratic aide. "We hope that this thin piece of crumpled up cotton fibers has the moral fiber not to undermine 70 years of protecting the most vulnerable."

A House Republican aide was more dismissive, calling the Kleenex "a tax-and-spend snot rag." The aide further raised a question about whether the tissue had signed onto the Americans for Tax Reform no-new-taxes pledge.

Calls to the tissue and its advisers were not immediately returned, although according to the Kleenex's Twitter account, it plans to join the Gang of Six talks in the Capitol on Friday. "Cant wait 2B in the discussions," the tissue wrote. "Peace out, people."

How to Reduce the Deficit: 10 Easy Solutions

It's pretty clear that wherever this debt ceiling train ends up, there is going to be a whole lot of deficit cutting in the mix. But how do you do it when Republicans don't want to raise taxes, cut defense spending, or raise the debt ceiling, and Democrats don't want to cut entitlements?

Well, except for those Democrats who have proposed cutting entitlements. Such as President Obama. Who, one could argue, is the top Democrat.

So let us rephrase that. But how do you do it when Republicans don't want to raise taxes, cut defense spending, or raise the debt ceiling?

We at GefilteBacon think of ourselves, first and foremost, as ideas people. And so we are pleased to offer 10 innovative, common-sense ways that the government can live more within its means:

1. Replace federal food inspectors with informational posters suggesting people cook their fruits and vegetables until they reach an internal temperature of 180 degrees Fahrenheit.

2. Get rid of extraneous states. Would anyone really notice if we combined the Dakotas? Maybe Russia will refund us for Alaska. Giving Hawaii back to Queen Liliʻuokalani would both save money and right a wrong. Also, anyone "born" there would now be ineligible to serve as President. Hint, hint. We're looking right at you, Donald Trump.

3. Install blackjack tables in Social Security offices, then pay senior citizens in chips and free drinks.

4. Two words: Living Social:

5. Send U.S. troops to take over a country with an existing infrastructure for growing and distributing a lucrative and potent narcotic, like opium. Direct the CIA to begin work to identify such a place, if it exists.

6. Sell off national assets, like Mount Rushmore, the Liberty Bell, Mickey Rooney.

7. Raise the debt ceiling to calm the credit agencies. Then, when they're not looking, lower it again. If they look, raise it. Then lower it. Raise it. Lower it. Raise it. Lower it. C'mon everybody, grab a side, lift with your legs!

 

8. Replace the fine coffee they usually serve in federal buildings with Folgers Crystals. See if anyone can tell the difference.

9. Combine programs. For example, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Fine Arts.

10. Invent a time machine, go back to 1917, and shoot whoever the Hell came up with the debt ceiling in the first place.

Debt Talks in Chaos After Cantor Gives Reid a Wedgie

WASHINGTON (GB) - Thursday's debt ceiling talks at the White House ended in disarray after House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) gave Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) a wedgie, sources say.

According to aides who were in the Cabinet Room at the time, Reid was huddling with Vice President Joe Biden and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) during a break when Cantor snuck up behind him. "Cantor put his hands into Reid's pants, grabbed a hold of the elastic band of his underpants, and yanked them straight up," a source said, "causing Reid to scream like a girl."

The source added that Cantor proceeded to run around the room, arms in the air, shouting, "Burn! I totally own you, old man!" He then reportedly jumped on the conference table, shook his backside at Reid, and sang, "Nancy and Harry, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

Aides to both sides say that Reid, a former professional boxer, took a swing at Cantor, but hit Biden in the mouth instead, causing Secret Service agents to tackle him to the ground.

At this point, President Obama is believed to have said, "F--k it. I need a smoke," and left the room to light up in the Rose Garden.

Biden was taken to George Washington University Hospital where doctors wired his jaw shut. A White House spokesman said the Vice President will not be able to speak for at least three weeks, a development that some Obama aides greeted with relief.

The acrimony continued outside the West Wing when the Congressional leaders approached the media.

"This is the most immature behavior I have ever seen," Reid said before the cameras.

"This is the most immature behavior I have ever seen," Cantor replied.

"Don't copy me!" Reid snapped.

"Don't copy me!" Cantor replied.

"Jackass," Reid said, marching off.

Boehner started to say something about how both parties needed to think about the children, but he broke down in sobs before he could finish. At that point, Pelosi said, "Will you please grow a pair, John?"

White House officials said the talks would resume on Friday. They added that steps will be taken to reduce the tension, mentioning the possibility of trust falls, a conversation ball, or having First Lady Michelle Obama lead the group in jumping jacks.

Yo, Moody's: Downgrade This!

Dear Moody's,

What gives, man? You're talking about downgrading our credit rating?

Do you know who we are, compadre? We're the United F---ing States of America, okay? We're not Greece or Portugal. We sent a man to the moon. We invented the Internet. We fought the aliens when they landed on Earth and tried to exterminate the entire human race.

Okay, that last one was a movie. But who invented the movies, man? We did. What have you invented lately?

We invented NASCAR. N-A-S-C-A-R, baby. And pickup trucks. And now you're saying that you might downgrade us because we might default on our debt? Seriously?? What's gotten up your ass? You know we're good for our debts, man. We're gonna pay. Guarantee it.

Yeah, okay, maybe we'll be a few days late. Or weeks. Or... whatever. But seriously, who hasn't missed a payment once in a while? Don't you guys give a grace period? Don't you send out a second notice? When did you get all "You gotta pay on time or we're calling the cops" on us? This is totally bogus and you know it. Quit acting like our ex-girlfriend and being all vindictive and petty and sh-t.

So maybe we're not going to pay. It's not like there's some law or something that says we have to. Who made you the king of all this nonsense? What's the big deal? So we miss a few payments. Not like the world is going to end if we don't pay up. People getting all stressed out about it, like it's the worst thing that we could do. Destroy the economy. Ruin the country. Chillax, amigos. Things always work out, right? Just come back in a few weeks, or months,or in 2013, and we're totally good for it.

Besides, man, we got it tough. We've had issues lately, you know? Been a hard few years for us. Sh-t ain't been working out the way we figured. But we're coming back, man, and better than before. We got a plan. We got it all figured out.

What's our plan, you ask? We'll tell you our plan, chief.

Well, the plan's not totally cooked yet. Still got some kinks to work out. But it's a big plan. A bold plan. Okay, fine, we gave up on the big, bold plan. But we got a really timid, smallish plan. And, yeah, we don't have that one figured out yet, either. But we're definitely gonna have a plan by August 2nd. Or so. Maybe later. It's hard to get anything done in the summer.

But listen, Moody's: we're coming back. We're the f---ing home of the free and the land of the brave. We landed on Iwo F---ing Jima with just four Marines and a flag. We went into 'Nam with a rifle and a bandanna and got a thousand POWs out. We beat Ivan Drago, in Moscow, in front of the Commies, and looked damn good doing it.

So you just watch your back, chief. 'Cause the U.S. of A. is the biggest, the baddest motherf---er on the block. And if you don't keep your distance, we're gonna drop some Team Six Navy SEALs into your compound.

We might not be able to pay them, but they don't know that yet. And we'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't tell them.

Peace out.
The United States of America

Maybe This is Why So Many Republicans' Marriages Fail

We at GefilteBacon believe that learning from one's mistakes is a virtue of man and nation alike. Even we have learned from our mistakes: when we posted that Big Macs are made from baby seal meat, we retracted it the minute McDonald's threatened legal action against us.*

So three years ago, when moribund regulation of the financial industry almost caused the global economy to melt faster than a Sno-Cone on a hot sidewalk, we assumed that there would be some serious soul-searching by advocates of less regulation.

Look, we at GefilteBacon support capitalism (please click on the links on the right - we get money when you do!). Open and fair competition is the way to go, but only if the referees have the tools they need to knock some heads around if need be. And the economic meltdown should have taught everyone the lesson that effective government oversight of 20-year old Russian computer whizzes inventing exotic financial instruments while snorting coke from the bosoms of New York hookers might be something we all could agree upon.

Man were we wrong!

Not only has the small government crowd declined to re-think its priorities, it has actually doubled down on the "no regulation is good for America" line. They furiously block even the most meager attempt to give the referees a working whistle and accuse their opponents of being socialists. And so far it seems to be working: Wall Street is as strong as ever, and government spending (including, we assume, for financial oversight) is being slashed.

So if doubling down on a bad idea works for policymakers, does it work in all aspects of life?

This brings is to Bob, our head of accounts receivable. Bob and his wife hosted her family for a Fourth of July cookout a few weeks back. Bob fancies himself quite the barbecue king, and so, as he does every Independence Day, he sauntered out to the deck, doused the briquettes with lighter fluid, and lit up the coals.

Now Bob's wife, whom he lovingly refers to as the "Harpie" (at least we think it's loving), always hated the charcoal grill, because she feared that it would set their wood deck on fire. "Can't you buy a propane grill like everyone else on the block?" she'd always say. But Bob was adamant that charcoal was the way.

This particular Independence Day was quite dry and windy, and so Bob's wife was more - shall we say? - insistent than ever. She begged Bob not to light the coals; he told her to go away. She ordered their 15-year old son to stand guard over the barbecue and call 911 if anything looked amiss; Bob said he was in control, and that the boy should go back to playing his X-Box or getting high or whatever the hell that no-good punk did in his spare time. I can watch the grill myself, Bob said.

At this point, Bob was on his fifth hard lemonade of the afternoon and was busy arguing sports with his wife's brother, and so he failed to notice when the wind picked up and blew the flames into the wood railing.

Long story short: the deck burned to the ground, taking with it the barbecue, Bob's wife's prized geraniums and both of Bob's mother-in-law's eyebrows.

At this point, the obvious response from Bob should probably have been complete and utter contrition, and perhaps a re-thinking of his pro-charcoal ideology. But Bob thought about how conservatives had doubled down on their anti-regulation schtick and were getting away with it.

So the next day, when his wife suggested that maybe he should consider giving up grilling and stick to the kitchen, Bob laid into her. He called her an anti-barbecue extremist. He questioned loudly why his wife was trying to undermine the quality of the food they served to family and friends. He labeled her ideas as taste-killing reforms. He cited numerous studies he found on the web about how cooking food in a kitchen increases the risk of carbon monoxide poisoning and ant infestation. He dryly pointed out that perhaps oven-roasted meat was fine for Europe, but that's not how we do things in America.

With that, Bob marched out to the front porch, fired up the brand new barbecue his parents had bought for him, and triumphantly downed half a case of Sam Adams.

Then the front porch caught on fire and the entire house burned down. Bob's wife and kids are now staying at her sister's. Bob is sleeping on the GefilteBacon communal couch, taking showers in the men's room.

What are the lessons to be learned? First, don't barbecue on a wooden deck when the wind is blowing and your mother-in-law's waxed eyebrows are in close proximity.

And second, and perhaps more important, doubling down only seems to work if you're married to a Democrat.




* GefilteBacon wishes to state voluntarily, unequivocally and without condition or reservation that McDonald's hamburgers, including but not limited to the Big Mac, are not now, nor have they ever been in the past, nor will they ever be, nor has McDonald's, its affiliates, or franchisees in the United States and all other nations, ever so much as considered, nor will the aforementioned ever consider at any point or under any circumstances, known or unknown, in the future, made, processed with, transported, cooked, served or photographed for advertisements or displays of a digital or print nature, in whole or in part from the meat, tissues, blood, organs, skin, hair follicles, or other physical body parts, of baby seals or other aquatic mammals.

BREAKING NEWS: Navy SEALs Kill Casey Anthony

WASHINGTON (GB) — Casey Anthony was killed in a firefight with United States forces in Florida, President Obama announced tonight.

In a late-night appearance in the East Room of the White House, Obama declared that “justice has been done” as he disclosed that Navy SEALs had finally cornered Anthony, who was finishing serving her jail sentence in Pinellas County, Florida.

The news touched off an extraordinary outpouring of emotion as crowds gathered outside the White House, in Times Square and in front of Nancy Grace’s studio, waving American flags, cheering, shouting, laughing and chanting, “U.S.A., U.S.A.!”

 President Obama announces the killing of Casey Anthony (right)
by Navy SEALs in a White House address Sunday night.



“For the last three years, Casey Anthony has been the symbol of moms gone bad,” the president said in a statement broadcast around the world. “The death of Casey marks the most significant achievement to date in our nation’s effort to defeat evil tabloid villainesses. But her death does not mark the end of our effort. There’s no doubt that other rotten mothers will continue to do things that will enrage and fascinate us. We must and we will remain vigilant.”

According to top-level administration sources, the Navy SEALs descended into the Pinellas County Jail, where they believed Anthony to be holed up, at 2 a.m. local time. Although there are conflicting reports, it appears that a firefight broke out between the SEALs and Anthony before she was taken down.

Once the body was identified as belonging to Anthony, these sources say, it was flown to the USS Carl Vinson in the Gulf of Mexico. There, a Navy chaplain read passages from Us Weekly as the body was lowered into the water.

People gather in front of the White House Sunday night
to celebrate the killing of Casey Anthony.

Republicans praised Obama for his bold action in taking out Anthony, although some privately grumbled that he failed to give enough credit to his predecessor, George W. Bush. On her Facebook page, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin wrote, “We thank President Bush for his leadership in, you know, being president when Caylee went missing.”

Pundits agreed that Obama’s decision to green-light the risky operation will help him politically, especially coming on the heels of another dismal jobs report. According to the Univeristy of Virginia’s Larry Sabato, “Every time his opponents bring up the economy or health care or the stimulus, and say he’s a weak president, Obama can now say, ‘I got Casey.’  And Osama bin Laden, too. I think. That was so last spring.”

10 Ways Progressives Can Get Mad

Progressives are PISSED.

It was bad enough that President Barack "I'll Give You Everything You Want, But That's My Final Offer!" Obama already proposed five bucks in spending cuts for every one dollar in tax increases. But now he's actually offered up Social Security to the Republicans. At this rate, liberals fear, the White House will surrender the Voting Rights Act and the EPA in exchange for a 2-for-1 coupon at Denny's.

But let's face it: hip, urbane, civically minded 21st Century progressives just don't do angry, at least not as well as Tea Party folk do. If they did, the debate might turn out differently. But it's not in their DNA.

So we at GefilteBacon once again step into the breach. Here are 10 tips on how progressives - from Berkeley to Bethesda, from Brookline to . . . some other liberal enclave that starts with 'B' - can take this fight to the streets:

1. Get into hybrid and pull alongside SUV. Give disapproving look to driver. Move on to next SUV.

2. Collect a thousand sheets of paper. Make a thousand origami doves. Place them along busy thoroughfare to represent society's most vulnerable. Throw doves into a Hefty bag to represent the destruction of society's most vulnerable by Republicans. Remove doves from Hefty bags, unfold carefully and donate paper to a shelter for abused women.

3. Organize a rally. Prepare signs with actual quotes from Tea Party rallies, but use comical fonts as an ironic commentary on Tea Party values.

4. Find female mannequin. Dress it up in dark suit. Place picture of Michele Bachmann's face on head. Arrange mannequin in chair and patiently explain to it why Keynsian theory on the inefficiencies of microeconomic decisions by private players outweigh the rational expectation theories of Muth.

5. Write an episode of The West Wing in which President Bartlett goes toe to toe with incalcitrant Republicans and wins. Get into time machine, go back to 1999 and pitch script to Aaron Sorkin.

6. Street theater: Make and put on a Lorax costume. Assemble pile of rocks in front of local GOP headquarters and write "UNLESS" on them. Attempt to hoist yourself into the air by seat of your pants.

7. Hold a real tea party. Purchase a satchel of fair trade organic tea from local farmer's market. Prepare a zucchini nut bread from the original Moosewood recipe. Invite small number of friends to enjoy tea and bread while knitting panels for AIDS Quilt.

8. Go through personal archive of old New Yorkers. Find cartoon that adequately captures your feelings, ideally something by Roz Chast. Photograph with iPhone and email to friends.

9. Put on Thomas Jefferson costume. Go to town center and stand on soapbox. Unfurl copy of Declaration of Independence. Think about fact that Jefferson was a slave owner. Get off soapbox and walk home, reflecting on fallibility of man.

10. Start a blog. Give it a quirky name, perhaps the juxtaposition of two nouns that are vaguely contradictory. Compose blog entries with ironic, detached commentary about politics. Share with friends and assorted strangers who stumble onto it looking for serious content.

The Debt Crisis is Solved!

As the U.S. marches confidently towards defaulting on its debt and destroying its economy, it has become pretty clear that the gas pedal in this parade float of ruin is being pressed by Republicans refusing to even consider a smidgen of tax increases.

And who can blame them? For nearly a quarter century, even mentioning the words "tax increase" without preceding them with the words "job killing," "economy destroying," "socialistic," and/or "child molesting" can give a Republican officeholder a one-way ticket into a talking head slot on MSNBC's late shift. And the main reason for this fact of life is this man:

Grover Norquist may sound like a cross between a muppet and a Norwegian fisherman, but make no mistake: he has literally made "taxes" a four letter word among Republicans with his Taxpayer Protection Pledge:

I pledge to the American people that I will:  ONE, oppose any and all efforts to increase the marginal income tax rate for individuals and business; and TWO, oppose any net reduction or elimination of deductions and credits, unless matched dollar for dollar by further reducing tax rates.

GOPers who refuse to sign the pledge might as well start wearing Birkenstocks and smoking weed on the campaign trail. Which is why Republicans are unable to even consider the idea of tax increases as a part of the debt ceiling negotiations - after all, if your choice is between economic ruin and pissing off a bearded Norweigian muppet, there really is no choice.

Which is why GefilteBacon has decided to jump into the breach and form its own pledge, the AMERICA PROTECTION PLEDGE.

By asking your elected representatives to sign this pledge, you can give them the political cover they need to make the tough choices in this budget fight. So please clip this out and ask your Congressman or woman to stand up for principle by signing the Pledge. The nation you save could be your own!



Thought of the Day, Casey Anthony Edition

We at GefilteBacon are proud to live in a nation where the murder of children is so rare that the verdict in a single child homicide case is front page news across the country.

Your Debt Ceiling Questions Answered

The looming debt ceiling crisis has many people scratching their heads about how we got here and what it means. In the interest of helping the public be better informed, GefilteBacon has assembled this useful set of FAQs.

What is the debt ceiling?
It is a limit on how much debt the United States government can incur, set into law by Congress and the President. The current debt ceiling is $14.3 trillion, which the Treasury Department says it will hit around August 2.

What will happen if the debt ceiling is not raised by then?
The immediate impact will be that the federal government would not be able to pay off debt. This "default" could lead to the country's credit rating being lowered, higher interest rates, a devalued dollar and dramatically reduced investor confidence in Treasury-backed securities.

What does that mean for me?
It could mean that the fragile economy would collapse. Job losses would be huge. Global markets would face a panic. There could be a run on banks. The United States' credibility as a safe financial investment would be shattered for years, even decades. Our nation's leadership role in the world would be forever compromised, condemning our descendants to a second-rate existence as part of a debtor society.

That sounds pretty bad. So can't Congress raise the debt ceiling?
They can, but Congressional Republicans, and some Democrats, will not support raising the ceiling unless it is paired with steps to reduce the federal deficit.

Are the parties discussing how to achieve that?
Vice President Biden convened a group of Congressional leaders from both parties to negotiate a solution. Congressional Republicans have stated that "everything is on the table" in budget negotiations.

And how are those talks going?
Congressional Republicans walked out of them two weeks ago.

Why?
Because Democrats insisted that increases be on the table.

But you just said that Republicans said "everything is on the table" in negotiations. How can they say everything is on the table and also say that taxes are off the table?
Because everything is on the table.

Except tax increases.
Correct.

So because they don’t want to negotiate tax increases, Republicans abandoned the talks, leaving us closer to defaulting on our debt?
Republicans didn't abandon the process. Democrats did.

How is it that Democrats abandoned the talks when it was the Republicans who walked out?
Because Democrats placed preconditions on the talks that were unacceptable to Republicans.

What preconditions?
That tax increases would not be off the table.

How is the Democrats’ refusal to accept the Republicans’ refusal to discuss tax increases a precondition?
If Democrats had gone into the talks with a plan to cut the deficit, instead of refusing to refuse to discuss tax increases, we wouldn't be in this mess.

You mean Democrats have refused to propose spending cuts?
Democrats have offered five dollars of spending cuts to every one dollar of tax increases.

So they have put forward a plan, one that gives Republicans almost everything they want?
By putting forward a plan that refuses to put everything on the table shows that they are not putting forward a plan.

What have they refused to put on the table?
Taking tax increases off the table.

They are to blame for the talks collapsing because they have refused to put taking tax increases off the table on the table?
That's right.

That doesn't even make any sense.
What doesn't make sense is the Democrats' refusal to negotiate.

But they did. You said they offered a deal of five dollars of spending cuts to every one dollar in tax cuts.
Exactly. Their refusal to offer a solution that Republicans can support shows that they are refusing to negotiate.

So negotiation is when Democrats give Republicans everything they want?
Based on past experience, yes.

Why won't the Republicans put tax increases on the table?
Raising taxes kills jobs.

Won't a government default kill even more jobs?
Yes, which is why Democrats need to accept a deal that will strengthen our economy by not raising taxes.

What taxes precisely are Democrats looking to increase?
Taxes on the wealthy, eliminating tax incentives for oil and gas companies, ending tax breaks for corporate jets.

And Republicans oppose these?
Taxing the job creators will hurt job creation.

Are you saying Republicans would prefer see the country go into default - which would destroy even more jobs - than allow small tax increases?
Of course not, which is why Democrats need to come back to the negotiating table and put forward a plan that includes everything.

Except tax increases.
We've covered this already.

But won't cutting government spending hurt the economy, too, by taking money out of the economy?
It is a well known fact that 90 percent of government spending goes to provide abortions to women who were impregnated by their lesbian lovers.

Not only is that not true, it is biologically impossible.
It's already running on Fox News.

Why can't, for the sake of avoiding plunging the Republic into financial ruin, Republicans accept even a small amount of tax increases?
Washington doesn’t have a taxing problem, it has a spending problem.

Isn't that just a bumper sticker?
Obama is a socialist.

That's not even a response to what I asked.
Obama. Socialist.

All right, now you're just hurling insults.
Socialist socialist socialist socialist

Could you please just wait-
Socialist!

But I-
Social.

Will you p-
Ist!

I'm try-
S O C I A L I S T

This is-
Soooooooooo. Cialist.

Plea-
Knock knock.

Sigh. Who's there?
So.

"So" who?
Socialist!

I have a headache. Can we just talk about the Casey Anthony trial instead?

How the GOP Candidates Will Spend the Fourth

WASHINGTON (GefilteBacon Wire Service) - Various candidates for the Republican presidential nomination have announced their plans for celebrating Independence Day this Monday.

Michele Bachmann
According to the Bachmann campaign, the Congresswoman will take part in a Revolutionary War re-enactment at the site of the Battle of Gettysburg in Ames, Iowa.

Mitt Romney
The Romney campaign today released the following schedule for the candidate's July Fourth cookout:
   11:05 am Aides remove "Kiss the Chef" apron from Land's End packaging
   11:07 am Governor makes joke to wife about having to kiss the chef
   11:12 am Procession to grill
   11:14 am Staff open package of franks, place one on Governor's barbecue fork
   11:30 am Governor turns frank 45 degrees
   11:45 am Motorcade leaves for Nashua

Ron Paul
According to a press release issued today, Congressman Paul will use the long weekend to break into Fort Knox and attempt to transport as much gold as he can fit into his truck to a safe house.

Newt Gingrich
According to Mr. Gingrich's Twitter account, the former Speaker will present a lecture on how July Fourth exemplifies American exceptionalism while trying to avoid driving his campaign bus off Niagara Falls.

Rick Santorum
The Santorum campaign did not issue a media advisory on the candidate's plans. A Google search  for "Santorum" and "hot dog" returned too many hits to be included in this article.

Tim Pawlenty
The former governor's press secretary indicated that Mr. Pawlenty will announce his intention to toilet paper Mitt Romney's campaign bus at 11:30, followed by a mumbled, bashful retraction at 11:45.

Herman Cain
Sources said that Mr. Cain will spend the Fourth of July yelling at people to get off his lawn.

Sarah Palin
Gov. Palin wrote on her Facebook page that she hopes the lamestream media will respect her family's privacy as they take part in a barbecue at the home of Mr. and Mrs. Jim Thomas, 435 South Main Street, Des Moines, IA 50305, from 12:30pm until 3:30pm (take Exit 43 off I-235, bear left at the traffic light, then take Whitfield Road 3.5 miles until you see the Denny's on the left).

Barack Obama
In addition to the Republican candidates, White House press secretary Jay Carney said that the President and First Lady will host an Independence Day barbecue for Congressional leaders on the White House lawn. Carney said "the President looks forward to having House Republicans eat all the hot dogs, potato salad and orange soda, and then leave just as soon as he asks for their help in folding up the card table."