Obama Agrees to Do Daughters' Homework in Exchange for Their Not Kicking Him in His Testicles

WASHINGTON (GB) - President Obama announced tonight he had reached an agreement with daughters Sasha and Malia to do their homework for them all next year, hours before they planned to start kicking him repeatedly in the crotch.

Obama announces deal
to avoid having his daughters
assault his crown jewels.

"There was some tough bargaining," the clearly relieved President said from the Rose Garden. "Nobody got everything they wanted. But in the end, all sides compromised to reach a solution that will protect my most precious assets."

The announcement caps six months of feverish wrangling that began in January when Obama's girls announced they would commence mashing his potatoes on August 5. Initially, Obama said he wanted them to not attack his 'nads without any strings attached. But the girls quickly made it clear that the President would have to give up something in order to protect his golden cubes.

Obama had laid out a plan whereby he would finish the girls' homework for the 2011-2012 school year to avoid the nut-cracking, but demanded that the girls also help to clear the dinner dishes once a month. In the end, though, Obama dropped the dish clearing demand as the scrotum-whacking deadline approached and it became clear the girls would not compromise.

The final agreement creates a super-commission comprised of six of the President's friends and six of his daughters' friends, which will provide recommendations for further homework-completing by the President until the girls reach college.

"Both sides gave a little," said Vice President Joe Biden, who was instrumental in brokering the deal with Bo, the First Dog, who represented the girls. "We agreed that the President would write their papers, finish their math equations and build dioramas. In exchange, the girls agreed not to play penalty kicks with Barack's ballsack."

A spokesperson for the girls said that they were disappointed that the final deal worked out between Biden and the dog would prevent them from bashing daddy's teabags and did not require the President to also perform all household chores until the girls reached the age of 21. But they added that they expected to find other ways to put Obama's man-purse in a state of constant siege.

Following the press conference, the President was overheard asking Chief of Staff Bill Daley where he could find a shoebox, pipe cleaners and a tube of Elmer's glue.