Flaming Moats of Flames!

We at GefilteBacon think of ourselves, first and foremost, as thought leaders. We wish to elevate the debate in this country with sound, innovative ideas that are massively ahead of the curve - or at least slightly in front of the curve, maybe 20 or 30 feet, just enough so that the curve doesn't read-end us if we stop short.

But we digress. Ideas are what we are all about. So it was with great interest when we heard that President Barack "No, Really, I Am an American" Obama (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okGm2KEKLdw) recently noted that the only way to make his opponents happy about his immigration policy was for him to build a moat filled with alligators along the Mexican border.

At first we were intruiged by the idea. Not only would it address the immigration problem, but it also would provide needed water to the parched southwest, and serve as a spillway for the Gulf of Mexico during hurricane season.

But the more we thought about it, we realized there was a major flaw in the idea. First of all, where on Earth would you get all those alligators from? You would need a massive alligator breeding program, a Manhattan Project-style effort to get alligators to procreate at unprecedented levels.

Second, as this video clearly shows (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTmH8XL8cyQ), jumping over alligators is not really that hard.

Frankly, we were a bit surprised that the President's advisors so clearly dropped the ball on this one.

But then, doing as we at GefilteBacon like to do, we tweaked the idea to come to the perfect solution: Ditch the gators, and set the moat on fire.

Think about it: all that water coming from the Gulf is chock full of oil globules left over from the BP oil spill, plus from the thousands of oil spills the media didn't report on, not to mention tons of flammable effluence from farmland, hog processing plants, Tabasco refineries, Paul Prudhomme's fry baskets and the like. One match and - BOOM! - the entire U.S.-Mexico moat goes up in flames.

Jumping over alligators might be a walk in the park. But just try to make your way through a hundred foot high wall of flaming pretroleum. And those lucky few who do manage to get through - well, can't America use a few more truly fearless, slightly singed iron men who are willing to walk through fire to sip at the trough of liberty?

So to President Obama and his advisors, I say: solve our immigration and pollution problems at once. We'll toast your foresightedness with the world's largest weenie roast in El Paso.