How to Tell if Your Congressman is in a Sex Scandal

Anthony Weiner. David Vitter. Newt Gingrich. Eliot Spitzer. Newt Gingrich.

Not a day goes by that a politician is not caught in a web of sex, lies and inadvertently sent Twitter messages. These scandals can leave their constituents feeling disoriented, dazed and downtrodden, at least until the nonstop media onslaught makes way for Lindsay Lohan.

In order to prepare the voters of America for the next sexual imbroglio, GefilteBacon helpfully offers these nine common warning signs to tell if your Congressman and his genitals are next to be featured on TMZ:

1. At town hall meetings, does your Congressman routinely state, "I am not currently involved in a sex scandal"? Blanket denials like these are a clear yellow flashing light - especially if the questioner asked about foreign aid.

2. When you see them in public, do the Congressman and his wife appear to be unhappy, or too happy? Is she sending him looks that suggest she wishes to castrate him with a jigsaw, or perhaps soak his underwear in Alpo and throw him into a pen of psychotic Chihuahuas? Naturally this can be a sign he has confessed indiscretions of Biblical proportions to her. But it is just as suspicious if they appear to be extremely lovey-dovey. If she is smiling profusely, that could mean he hasn’t told her yet. Or that he has told her and she is thinking about the divorce settlement. Or that she just had a Botox treatment. On the other hand, if they are walking side-by-side with their hands in the rear pockets of each other’s pants, that’s just plain creepy.

3. At Congressional hearings, does he question the witness about recent developments in online 3-D adult-themed role-playing games? This is a particularly crucial warning sign if the witness is the Deputy Undersecretary of Soybean Price Supports.

4. When he tweets photos of himself naked, does he appear to be in a state of arousal? If not, it may simply be an art project. Many members of Congress are supporters of the arts. You can be one, too, at www.nea.gov.

5. In the middle of the State of the Union address, does he suddenly break down weeping, wringing his hands and muttering things like, “My God. My God. What have I done?” Keep in mind this simply could be a reaction to his vote on last year’s housing appropriations bill.

6. When he is on the House floor, does he appear to be sleeping? He could be fantasizing about the object of his illicit affections. Or devising new ways to cover up his indiscretions. Or perhaps he is just overtired from a long night cavorting with three prostitutes, a water cannon, five bowls of lime Jell-O and the Deputy Undersecretary of Soybean Price Supports.

7. Does he go to the bathroom very often? Or not often enough? Or only in airports? Or never in airports? Or only in airports that have daily connecting flights to Newark? Really, any bathroom-related behavior is suspect in a public official.

8. When he visits schools, does he say things like, “You know what? I think I’ll just stand here, precisely 100 yards from the edge of the property?” Alternatively, a large beeping electronic bracelet on his ankle could be considered a red flag.

9. Does he have a penis? Studies have shown that a politician with a penis is considerably more likely to take photographs of it, use it to mix drinks, play the bongos with it, or wield it like a chairman’s gavel than a politician without one.