Weekend Watch: 10 Fun Things to Do This Weekend

Happy Friday! It's the last weekend of July, and for those of you looking for some fun, fun, fun things to do before August rolls around,  GefilteBacon provide a handy cheat-sheet to make the most of the next couple of days.

1. Take in a music festival. Lollapaloza may be still a week away, but from Tulsa to Louisville, kick back with some cool jazz, smoky blues or some fiery salsa at a wide range of free festivals across the country.

2. Try a new sport, like windsurfing. Whether it's on the Great Lakes, off the Santa Monica pier, or New York's Hudson River (really!), what better time to hit the waves with a cool new hobby!

3. Withdraw all your money from your bank account, college funds and 401k; hide it under the mattress.

4. Take a vineyard tour. Napa Valley isn't the only place to sample the country's finest wines. Check out several great tours on Long Island and anywhere the cork beckons you!

5. Extract the gold fillings from your kids' teeth, melt them down and sell it. Stash any gold, silver or platinum still in the house in a deep hole in your backyard. Surround with booby traps.

6. Learn how to zipline! Zip your way through the trees like they do in Central America, seeing the world from a whole new vantage!  If you're in the Chicagoland area, check these zippy zippers out!

7. Collect canned goods, water, shotguns and gas masks. Stock them in the saferoom in your basement. Find large pieces of furniture or concrete blocks to use as a barricade.

8. Go on a hike. There's no better way to enjoy nature, savor our country's beauty and get some exercise at the same time with a casual or more strenuous stroll through the woods.

9. Find your passport, haul ass to the airport and hire a plane to whisk you and your family beyond U.S. territory before the jobless mutant zombies pull you off and eat your flesh. Be prepared to take the plane's controls if the pilot turns on you. If the wife or kids hesitate about getting on the plane, leave them behind; you can always start a new life when you land. And never, never look back.

10. Pray. My God, pray!

Just In: Attila the Hun Announces Support for Debt Ceiling Compromise

EASTERN ROMAN EMPIRE (GB) - Attila the Hun, the legendary and ruthless leader of the Huns, took to his Facebook page Wednesday to urge Congress to adopt a compromise debt ceiling plan that cut spending and raised revenue.

"Look, I'm a pretty conservative guy," Attila wrote from his encampment outside the walls of Constantinople where he was leading a long and deadly siege. "Folks are always trying to get to the right of me. But this is some crazy shit coming out of the House of Representatives, man."

He added, "Want to pillage and plunder? Be my guest, amigo. Invade the Roman territories and impale your enemies' heads on stakes? Don't mind if I do. But the one thing you never do is risk downgrading your country's credit rating. That's just sick, dude."

News Alert: Boehner Unveils Plan to Raise Debt Ceiling $10 at a Time

WASHINGTON (GB) - Responding to opposition to his latest plan from Tea Party Republicans, House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) announced a new proposal today to raise the debt ceiling in ten-dollar increments.

"Here's how it works," Boehner said at a Capitol Hill press conference this morning. "If President Obama sends us one billion dollars in spending cuts before midnight, we will raise the debt ceiling by ten dollars. Tomorrow, if he sends us another billion in cuts, we raise it another ten dollars, and so on."

"But here's the thing," Boehner added, looking stern. "If he fails to deliver those billion dollars in cuts to Capitol Hill by midnight, we lower the debt ceiling by a trillion dollars."

Boehner added that the plan has additional incentives for the President. "If he agrees to repeal ObamaCare, we raise the ceiling ten more dollars. Get rid of Dodd-Frank? Ten bucks. Admit he was born in Kenya? Another Hamilton for him."

"However," Boehner added, "if he so much as mentions the word 'tax,' we're lowering the ceiling by a trillion. If he says 'compromise,' that's two trillion off the top."

When asked how long it would take under the plan to lift the debt ceiling to a level that would calm the markets and reassure the credit agencies, aides to the Speaker said it should take approximately 56,894 years.

White House officials said they were reviewing the plan.

However, several Tea Party members said they will oppose the plan, mainly because it acknowledges that Barack Obama is President.

Your Call is Very Important to Us: Behind The Obama-Boehner Breakdown

As he had done often during their weeks of budget talks, President Barack Obama tried to get House Speaker John Boehner on the phone late Thursday, but never heard back. The silence continued into Friday, and White House aides began to wonder.

“I couldn’t get a phone call returned,” Obama said Friday, as if still not quite believing it himself.

-          Politico, July 23, 2011

Speaker’s office, how may I help you?

This is the President. I need to speak with John.

All right. Who may I say is calling?

Um, the President.

President… of?

The United States.

OK. Can I get your name?

My name?

Yes, please.

Barack Obama.

OK. Can you spell that?

For Pete’s- All right. B-A-R-A-C-K.

B-A-R-R-

No, one “R.”

And the last name?

O-B-A-M-A.

Got it. O-S-A-M-A.

No, O-B. “B.” As in “boy.” Or “Boehner.”

O-S-

O-B.

Got it. And what may I say this is in reference to?

You’ve got to be kidding me.

Sorry, I need that information.

The debt ceiling. Default. The budget. Look, can you just-

“Debt . . . ceiling.” OK, hold on. I will transfer you.

*Sigh*

Hum … click. Hi, you’ve reached the voice mail of Speaker of the House John

Boehner-

What the-

If you would like to leave your opinion on the Democrats’ tax-and-spend policies, press one. If you’d like to reserve a tour of the Capitol, press two. For an operator, press zero.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Hum…click. Speaker’s office, how may I help you?

This is the President of the United States. I need to speak to Boehner now.

Hold on, I’ll transfer you.

Thank you.

Hum…click. Quiznos Capitol Hill. Mmmm… toasty. How may I help you?

Oh, for the love of- Can you please transfer me to back to the Capitol?

Sure, but first may I tempt you with our new Tuscan Buffalo chicken flatbread with pepperjack cheese, only $6.95 this week-

Please transfer me back.

Hum…click. Speaker’s office.

Yes, this is the President of the United States. Barack Obama. Leader of the Free World. I need to speak with John Boehner. Right now.

Sure. Can I put you on hold?

Whatever.

“If you like pina coladas, and getting’ caught in the rain, if you’re not into yoga…”

I seriously need a cigarette.

Hum… click. Speaker Boehner’s office. Can I help you?

I need to talk to Boehner.

I’m sorry, he’s not here right now. Can I help you?

Who is this?

Timmy. I’m one of the summer interns.

Timmy, this is a matter of national urgency. Can you please get the Speaker for me?

Um… OK, I was told that he’s not available.

Where is he?

Taking a shower.

In the middle of the day?

It’s hot outside, sir.

Well please get him out, I need to speak to him.

I’m sorry, sir, but they don’t allow phones in the Members’ Dining Room.

Wait, I thought you said he was taking a shower.

He is.

In the Members’ Dining Room? Please, Timmy, can you put him on the line?

Have you tried texting him?

I did, and he won’t text me back. I also poked him on Facebook. Timmy, the country needs you to find John Boehner and put him on the phone with me.

I'm sorry, Mr. President, but we can't seem to locate him.

Can't locate him? Timmy, I'm watching him on "Fox and Friends" right now. He's standing in the Rotunda next to Steve Doocy. Please, Timmy.

OK, I’ll see what I can do. Hold on. 

Thank you.

Hum… “7 a.m., waking up in the morning. Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs…”

“Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal…”

Hum … click. Quiznos Capitol Hill. Can we make you a Peppercorn Cubano flatbread with spicy chipotle dressing today?

*Sigh* I never should’ve thrown out my Kenyan birth certificate.

UPDATE: Wadded-up Kleenex Joins Gang of Six

WASHINGTON (GB) - Hopes for a bipartisan deal on the debt ceiling were raised tonight with the news that a wadded-up Kleenex has joined the Senate's Gang of Six.

"We are delighted that this mucous-covered tissue has decided to work with us in finding a solution to the debt and deficit crisis," said Gang of Six member Mark Warner (D-VA). "This is the shot in the arm these talks need."

Aides to the Kleenex said it hopes
a deal can be reached to avoid a
government default.

Republican Gang of Six participant Tom Coburn (R-OK) echoed Warner's remarks, telling reporters, "I look forward to hearing the Kleenex's ideas on cutting spending and finding a way forward on tax reform."

Congressional leaders in both parties, however, expressed concern that the discarded tissue might sell out their respective sides for a larger debt ceiling deal.

"Where is the Kleenex on entitlements? Is it going to want to cut Social Security?" asked an unnamed Senate Democratic aide. "We hope that this thin piece of crumpled up cotton fibers has the moral fiber not to undermine 70 years of protecting the most vulnerable."

A House Republican aide was more dismissive, calling the Kleenex "a tax-and-spend snot rag." The aide further raised a question about whether the tissue had signed onto the Americans for Tax Reform no-new-taxes pledge.

Calls to the tissue and its advisers were not immediately returned, although according to the Kleenex's Twitter account, it plans to join the Gang of Six talks in the Capitol on Friday. "Cant wait 2B in the discussions," the tissue wrote. "Peace out, people."

How to Reduce the Deficit: 10 Easy Solutions

It's pretty clear that wherever this debt ceiling train ends up, there is going to be a whole lot of deficit cutting in the mix. But how do you do it when Republicans don't want to raise taxes, cut defense spending, or raise the debt ceiling, and Democrats don't want to cut entitlements?

Well, except for those Democrats who have proposed cutting entitlements. Such as President Obama. Who, one could argue, is the top Democrat.

So let us rephrase that. But how do you do it when Republicans don't want to raise taxes, cut defense spending, or raise the debt ceiling?

We at GefilteBacon think of ourselves, first and foremost, as ideas people. And so we are pleased to offer 10 innovative, common-sense ways that the government can live more within its means:

1. Replace federal food inspectors with informational posters suggesting people cook their fruits and vegetables until they reach an internal temperature of 180 degrees Fahrenheit.

2. Get rid of extraneous states. Would anyone really notice if we combined the Dakotas? Maybe Russia will refund us for Alaska. Giving Hawaii back to Queen Liliʻuokalani would both save money and right a wrong. Also, anyone "born" there would now be ineligible to serve as President. Hint, hint. We're looking right at you, Donald Trump.

3. Install blackjack tables in Social Security offices, then pay senior citizens in chips and free drinks.

4. Two words: Living Social:

5. Send U.S. troops to take over a country with an existing infrastructure for growing and distributing a lucrative and potent narcotic, like opium. Direct the CIA to begin work to identify such a place, if it exists.

6. Sell off national assets, like Mount Rushmore, the Liberty Bell, Mickey Rooney.

7. Raise the debt ceiling to calm the credit agencies. Then, when they're not looking, lower it again. If they look, raise it. Then lower it. Raise it. Lower it. Raise it. Lower it. C'mon everybody, grab a side, lift with your legs!

 

8. Replace the fine coffee they usually serve in federal buildings with Folgers Crystals. See if anyone can tell the difference.

9. Combine programs. For example, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Fine Arts.

10. Invent a time machine, go back to 1917, and shoot whoever the Hell came up with the debt ceiling in the first place.

Debt Talks in Chaos After Cantor Gives Reid a Wedgie

WASHINGTON (GB) - Thursday's debt ceiling talks at the White House ended in disarray after House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) gave Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) a wedgie, sources say.

According to aides who were in the Cabinet Room at the time, Reid was huddling with Vice President Joe Biden and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) during a break when Cantor snuck up behind him. "Cantor put his hands into Reid's pants, grabbed a hold of the elastic band of his underpants, and yanked them straight up," a source said, "causing Reid to scream like a girl."

The source added that Cantor proceeded to run around the room, arms in the air, shouting, "Burn! I totally own you, old man!" He then reportedly jumped on the conference table, shook his backside at Reid, and sang, "Nancy and Harry, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

Aides to both sides say that Reid, a former professional boxer, took a swing at Cantor, but hit Biden in the mouth instead, causing Secret Service agents to tackle him to the ground.

At this point, President Obama is believed to have said, "F--k it. I need a smoke," and left the room to light up in the Rose Garden.

Biden was taken to George Washington University Hospital where doctors wired his jaw shut. A White House spokesman said the Vice President will not be able to speak for at least three weeks, a development that some Obama aides greeted with relief.

The acrimony continued outside the West Wing when the Congressional leaders approached the media.

"This is the most immature behavior I have ever seen," Reid said before the cameras.

"This is the most immature behavior I have ever seen," Cantor replied.

"Don't copy me!" Reid snapped.

"Don't copy me!" Cantor replied.

"Jackass," Reid said, marching off.

Boehner started to say something about how both parties needed to think about the children, but he broke down in sobs before he could finish. At that point, Pelosi said, "Will you please grow a pair, John?"

White House officials said the talks would resume on Friday. They added that steps will be taken to reduce the tension, mentioning the possibility of trust falls, a conversation ball, or having First Lady Michelle Obama lead the group in jumping jacks.