How to Reduce the Deficit: 10 Easy Solutions

It's pretty clear that wherever this debt ceiling train ends up, there is going to be a whole lot of deficit cutting in the mix. But how do you do it when Republicans don't want to raise taxes, cut defense spending, or raise the debt ceiling, and Democrats don't want to cut entitlements?

Well, except for those Democrats who have proposed cutting entitlements. Such as President Obama. Who, one could argue, is the top Democrat.

So let us rephrase that. But how do you do it when Republicans don't want to raise taxes, cut defense spending, or raise the debt ceiling?

We at GefilteBacon think of ourselves, first and foremost, as ideas people. And so we are pleased to offer 10 innovative, common-sense ways that the government can live more within its means:

1. Replace federal food inspectors with informational posters suggesting people cook their fruits and vegetables until they reach an internal temperature of 180 degrees Fahrenheit.

2. Get rid of extraneous states. Would anyone really notice if we combined the Dakotas? Maybe Russia will refund us for Alaska. Giving Hawaii back to Queen Liliʻuokalani would both save money and right a wrong. Also, anyone "born" there would now be ineligible to serve as President. Hint, hint. We're looking right at you, Donald Trump.

3. Install blackjack tables in Social Security offices, then pay senior citizens in chips and free drinks.

4. Two words: Living Social:

5. Send U.S. troops to take over a country with an existing infrastructure for growing and distributing a lucrative and potent narcotic, like opium. Direct the CIA to begin work to identify such a place, if it exists.

6. Sell off national assets, like Mount Rushmore, the Liberty Bell, Mickey Rooney.

7. Raise the debt ceiling to calm the credit agencies. Then, when they're not looking, lower it again. If they look, raise it. Then lower it. Raise it. Lower it. Raise it. Lower it. C'mon everybody, grab a side, lift with your legs!

 

8. Replace the fine coffee they usually serve in federal buildings with Folgers Crystals. See if anyone can tell the difference.

9. Combine programs. For example, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Fine Arts.

10. Invent a time machine, go back to 1917, and shoot whoever the Hell came up with the debt ceiling in the first place.