As he had done often during their weeks of budget talks, President Barack Obama tried to get House Speaker John Boehner on the phone late Thursday, but never heard back. The silence continued into Friday, and White House aides began to wonder.
“I couldn’t get a phone call returned,” Obama said Friday, as if still not quite believing it himself.
Speaker’s office, how may I help you?
This is the President. I need to speak with John.
All right. Who may I say is calling?
Um, the President.
President… of?
The United States.
OK. Can I get your name?
My name?
Yes, please.
Barack Obama.
OK. Can you spell that?
For Pete’s- All right. B-A-R-A-C-K.
B-A-R-R-
No, one “R.”
And the last name?
O-B-A-M-A.
Got it. O-S-A-M-A.
No, O-B. “B.” As in “boy.” Or “Boehner.”
O-S-
O-B.
Got it. And what may I say this is in reference to?
You’ve got to be kidding me.
Sorry, I need that information.
The debt ceiling. Default. The budget. Look, can you just-
“Debt . . . ceiling.” OK, hold on. I will transfer you.
*Sigh*
Hum … click. Hi, you’ve reached the voice mail of Speaker of the House John
Boehner-
What the-
If you would like to leave your opinion on the Democrats’ tax-and-spend policies, press one. If you’d like to reserve a tour of the Capitol, press two. For an operator, press zero.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Hum…click. Speaker’s office, how may I help you?
This is the President of the United States. I need to speak to Boehner now.
Hold on, I’ll transfer you.
Thank you.
Hum…click. Quiznos Capitol Hill. Mmmm… toasty. How may I help you?
Oh, for the love of- Can you please transfer me to back to the Capitol?
Sure, but first may I tempt you with our new Tuscan Buffalo chicken flatbread with pepperjack cheese, only $6.95 this week-
Please transfer me back.
Hum…click. Speaker’s office.
Yes, this is the President of the United States. Barack Obama. Leader of the Free World. I need to speak with John Boehner. Right now.
Sure. Can I put you on hold?
Whatever.
“If you like pina coladas, and getting’ caught in the rain, if you’re not into yoga…”
I seriously need a cigarette.
Hum… click. Speaker Boehner’s office. Can I help you?
I need to talk to Boehner.
I’m sorry, he’s not here right now. Can I help you?
Who is this?
Timmy. I’m one of the summer interns.
Timmy, this is a matter of national urgency. Can you please get the Speaker for me?
Um… OK, I was told that he’s not available.
Where is he?
Taking a shower.
In the middle of the day?
It’s hot outside, sir.
Well please get him out, I need to speak to him.
I’m sorry, sir, but they don’t allow phones in the Members’ Dining Room.
Wait, I thought you said he was taking a shower.
He is.
In the Members’ Dining Room? Please, Timmy, can you put him on the line?
Have you tried texting him?
I did, and he won’t text me back. I also poked him on Facebook. Timmy, the country needs you to find John Boehner and put him on the phone with me.
I'm sorry, Mr. President, but we can't seem to locate him.
Can't locate him? Timmy, I'm watching him on "Fox and Friends" right now. He's standing in the Rotunda next to Steve Doocy. Please, Timmy.
OK, I’ll see what I can do. Hold on.
Thank you.
Hum… “7 a.m., waking up in the morning. Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs…”
“Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal…”
Hum … click. Quiznos Capitol Hill. Can we make you a Peppercorn Cubano flatbread with spicy chipotle dressing today?
*Sigh* I never should’ve thrown out my Kenyan birth certificate.
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