Yo, Moody's: Downgrade This!

Dear Moody's,

What gives, man? You're talking about downgrading our credit rating?

Do you know who we are, compadre? We're the United F---ing States of America, okay? We're not Greece or Portugal. We sent a man to the moon. We invented the Internet. We fought the aliens when they landed on Earth and tried to exterminate the entire human race.

Okay, that last one was a movie. But who invented the movies, man? We did. What have you invented lately?

We invented NASCAR. N-A-S-C-A-R, baby. And pickup trucks. And now you're saying that you might downgrade us because we might default on our debt? Seriously?? What's gotten up your ass? You know we're good for our debts, man. We're gonna pay. Guarantee it.

Yeah, okay, maybe we'll be a few days late. Or weeks. Or... whatever. But seriously, who hasn't missed a payment once in a while? Don't you guys give a grace period? Don't you send out a second notice? When did you get all "You gotta pay on time or we're calling the cops" on us? This is totally bogus and you know it. Quit acting like our ex-girlfriend and being all vindictive and petty and sh-t.

So maybe we're not going to pay. It's not like there's some law or something that says we have to. Who made you the king of all this nonsense? What's the big deal? So we miss a few payments. Not like the world is going to end if we don't pay up. People getting all stressed out about it, like it's the worst thing that we could do. Destroy the economy. Ruin the country. Chillax, amigos. Things always work out, right? Just come back in a few weeks, or months,or in 2013, and we're totally good for it.

Besides, man, we got it tough. We've had issues lately, you know? Been a hard few years for us. Sh-t ain't been working out the way we figured. But we're coming back, man, and better than before. We got a plan. We got it all figured out.

What's our plan, you ask? We'll tell you our plan, chief.

Well, the plan's not totally cooked yet. Still got some kinks to work out. But it's a big plan. A bold plan. Okay, fine, we gave up on the big, bold plan. But we got a really timid, smallish plan. And, yeah, we don't have that one figured out yet, either. But we're definitely gonna have a plan by August 2nd. Or so. Maybe later. It's hard to get anything done in the summer.

But listen, Moody's: we're coming back. We're the f---ing home of the free and the land of the brave. We landed on Iwo F---ing Jima with just four Marines and a flag. We went into 'Nam with a rifle and a bandanna and got a thousand POWs out. We beat Ivan Drago, in Moscow, in front of the Commies, and looked damn good doing it.

So you just watch your back, chief. 'Cause the U.S. of A. is the biggest, the baddest motherf---er on the block. And if you don't keep your distance, we're gonna drop some Team Six Navy SEALs into your compound.

We might not be able to pay them, but they don't know that yet. And we'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't tell them.

Peace out.
The United States of America