How the GOP Candidates Will Spend the Fourth

WASHINGTON (GefilteBacon Wire Service) - Various candidates for the Republican presidential nomination have announced their plans for celebrating Independence Day this Monday.

Michele Bachmann
According to the Bachmann campaign, the Congresswoman will take part in a Revolutionary War re-enactment at the site of the Battle of Gettysburg in Ames, Iowa.

Mitt Romney
The Romney campaign today released the following schedule for the candidate's July Fourth cookout:
   11:05 am Aides remove "Kiss the Chef" apron from Land's End packaging
   11:07 am Governor makes joke to wife about having to kiss the chef
   11:12 am Procession to grill
   11:14 am Staff open package of franks, place one on Governor's barbecue fork
   11:30 am Governor turns frank 45 degrees
   11:45 am Motorcade leaves for Nashua

Ron Paul
According to a press release issued today, Congressman Paul will use the long weekend to break into Fort Knox and attempt to transport as much gold as he can fit into his truck to a safe house.

Newt Gingrich
According to Mr. Gingrich's Twitter account, the former Speaker will present a lecture on how July Fourth exemplifies American exceptionalism while trying to avoid driving his campaign bus off Niagara Falls.

Rick Santorum
The Santorum campaign did not issue a media advisory on the candidate's plans. A Google search  for "Santorum" and "hot dog" returned too many hits to be included in this article.

Tim Pawlenty
The former governor's press secretary indicated that Mr. Pawlenty will announce his intention to toilet paper Mitt Romney's campaign bus at 11:30, followed by a mumbled, bashful retraction at 11:45.

Herman Cain
Sources said that Mr. Cain will spend the Fourth of July yelling at people to get off his lawn.

Sarah Palin
Gov. Palin wrote on her Facebook page that she hopes the lamestream media will respect her family's privacy as they take part in a barbecue at the home of Mr. and Mrs. Jim Thomas, 435 South Main Street, Des Moines, IA 50305, from 12:30pm until 3:30pm (take Exit 43 off I-235, bear left at the traffic light, then take Whitfield Road 3.5 miles until you see the Denny's on the left).

Barack Obama
In addition to the Republican candidates, White House press secretary Jay Carney said that the President and First Lady will host an Independence Day barbecue for Congressional leaders on the White House lawn. Carney said "the President looks forward to having House Republicans eat all the hot dogs, potato salad and orange soda, and then leave just as soon as he asks for their help in folding up the card table."